Growing Up Without A Father Didn't Break Me



On Friday, December 20th, 2013 I said, the words, “I do” to my then fiancé, lover, and best friend in a court house, justice of the peace style. I was 20 years old and one year out of high school. I had moved from a small town and was officially living on the outskirts of New Orleans. I felt refreshed after being in a different area, it gave me a different mind frame. Both me and Bruce were still penny pinching to make ends meet. 







We did not have a winter wonderland theme wedding or a wedding cake. My family was not even there to see me become married and I did not have a father figure in my life to even give me away. There were no photographers, bride’s maids, a best man, or a celebration reception. I wore a cheap off-white dress from Ross Dress For Less and my hubby sported a cute button down paired with black slacks. There was only one couple we invited that we were very close to and my husband’s father attended as well.


That day was special to us. Bruce and I were no longer shaking up in our one bed room apartment. I was no longer that girl who carried the last name ‘Patrick’. I spent the very first two years of our relationship learning not only myself, but my man. It was still surreal for me after taking a vow before God and my husband. Our lives had really changed right before our eyes. During this time, I knew that I was ready to marry, but I was not fully in tune with what God had set out for me to be becoming a wife. It took many prayers, journal entries, and sit downs with my husband to get me where I am now in my faith.

Growing up, I always wanted to be a wife. I used to be one of those girls in school who use to doodle her current boyfriend’s last on notebook paper right behind her first name. Let me just say, I wanted that wife life, hella bad. That wife life, that I was never expose to as a child growing up.

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My mother was a widow and I never met my father who was deceased before my birth. It messed my mental and my emotions for years. Especially, when I was at school functions and I saw my class mates who had father figures by their side and being so attentive towards them. Seeing their father and child connection made me really think about my life. It made me think about what my father possibly could have been like. I was a fatherless child physically, but spiritually I knew that my God did not create my life the way that it was by mistake. 

When I became a teenager, I can say that I went on that rebellious search for love. Yes, I was still in church. One of the youngest ushers, who was at odds with her spirit and flesh. I lost my virginity (that’s another blog post.) I was call a “hoe” at school, by girls and guys who thought they knew every guy I messed with. To be real with you, the rumors were not all true
 
I was searching for love and affection; when I could have been more focused on my high school education. I was sexually involved with a few guys who were at least five to seven years older than me. Was I pressed for love then? No, just the lust and the lies that my heart and my ears were being fed. Was I wilding out because I didn’t have a father figure? No, but it did have something to do with it.


Of course, along the way I made what most people would call bad decisions in my choices of guys. From that judgment alone, I had little to no real friends. ‘Cause nobody wanted to be friends with the girl everyone labeled an ugly hoe. But to be real, if I would have never made those bad decisions in those guys who knows where my love life would be right now. A lot of those same folks who taunted me then can’t say a word to me now. I am in a better place with God and how he chose for me to live.

I can say that not having a father figure in my life did not keep me from loving the people God had placed in my life. Father’s Day was just another day for years to me until I met my now husband. 

The bond that he has with his father warms my heart like a soothing cup of tea after a long day. Their bond made me appreciate their relationship. I prayed that one day, I would have a child. I prayed that my child would love and appreciate their father for many reasons. I prayed that I would get to experience being a wife that can appreciate the love that my child and husband share.

I wrote everything that you just read to say that if you grew up without a father figure in your life, you are a very strong woman. Does it make you stronger than the woman who did? 

No, but it has made you who you are today. 

A resilient, driven, and courageous woman who most likely has a streak of independence no one can shake. You don’t just settle for any guy who tries to woo you over. You’re a go-getter and a dream chaser. If anything, I said you are not, then I dare you to speak over yourself and your life.


For I am the daughter of a king and his name is Jesus. Have you heard of Him? For he loves me and owns me and shall never leave me alone. He is a father to the fatherless and a mother to the motherless and he is still working miracles.

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shefoundstrength.com 

Comments

  1. You story brought tears to my eyes.Your a one strong person and I really admire you from the core of my heart. Always remain string just like the way you are today.More power to you.

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