SOCIAL MEDIA

Monday, November 13, 2017

Nobody Said That It Was Going To Be Easy | But Worth It

I'm actually the proud mama of a two week old baby boy! Damn, time really is passing by quickly even if it doesn't seem like it to almost folks. Just last week I was sitting in my bedroom holding my baby boy after breast feeding him and the tears started to come. I was having a break down for a necessary breakthrough.



Within my spirit God was speaking to me letting me know that everything was going to be alright. Prior to me breaking down this day, just days before my husband and I were in a pediatric doctors office for our sons first check-up. When we walked inside of the discreet tinted black glass doors that had the name of the pediatric doctor office and doctors name on the glass we were shocked. The pediatric doctor's office looked like the struggle "forreal." The walls were painted an eggshell pastel blue and an antique frosty green. The walls looked like they had their fair share of mistreatment.

There was a fish tank built into one of the green painted walls. The fish in that damn odd color tank looked miserable the same as many of the parents inside of the waiting room. I filled out my paper work to have our son admitted from the office window. It wasn't any surprise to me that majority of everyone in the waiting room was possibly on Medicaid just like me. There was loud conversations being conversed over cellphones about getting food stamps, weave, and dead beat daddies and grandmas.

My husband took a seat by the fish tank with our baby boy who was sleeping peacefully throughout all the ruckus in his car seat. We both looked at each other and spoke with our eyes before we both looked back down at our son who was between my husband's legs on the floor in his car seat.

"We got to do better in life, baby."
I said to him as he rubbed his temples. 

He looked around as if he was speechless and started to play a game on his cellphone. I couldn't blame him for being speechless at that moment in time. All that truly mattered then was our son's health. During our first week of being parents our baby boy did not pooped or peed very little in his diapers.

My lactation specialist suggested that instead of having our Monday morning appointment for the following week that we instead try to get a Friday appointment to find out what was the issue. 

By the time Friday did came our son was having wet diapers and poopy ones too. Things were looking up for the most part. Being at my baby's very first doctors appointment made me realize the importance of growing in every area of life. I just didn't feel comfortable knowing that I'm not going hard enough in life. I refuse to be on government assistance while not trying to better my financial situation. I'm not ashamed of being on government assistance either, hell I grew up on it myself. 

I was on Medicaid 'till I was 18 years old. I want better out of life and better for my son's life and my future children. I know that it can't be too much to ask for, but I have to put that work in to achieve it. During that first week of being a mother I started to embrace motherhood. Whenever I would look into my baby boy's eyes I just felt his innocence. My life as I once knew it was no longer the same. 

I am in mommy mode and my vision is way clearer. As a stay at home mom it has already been stressful. I been praying and giving myself to see sh*t through. Searching for my inner peace on blank notebook pages and pages within my bible. I'm really pushing through it all. I have been focusing on not being a whirlwind of twisted emotions around my husband. I'm at a point of my life where I'm scared, excited, and just still trying to find my balance. 

Could you believe I'm actually crying as you read this? All I know is that everything I'm experiencing now is going to be well worth it sooner or later. 

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