Let me fluff this pillow on this sofa and hold it close to my chest while I tell you about the month of April. This month damn near bussed my head in a wall and had me heaped up by the throat gasping for air. I mean it shook me up and sat me down then tried to spit on my crazy tail self.
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The most valuable thing I learned this month is that my health
cannot keep being placed on the back burner. I was placing my health on
the back burner because I was worried about missing work from waiting on a full
paycheck after two weeks. This was my reality. Child support said, “Look for
me.” yet again this month and so did the babysitter that I had the money
ready for to come a relieve me for just 4 hours on a Friday night this month.
I had to take a break
and decompress. I had been pushing myself way past my limit. I love playing
like I am Wonder Woman. I was thinking I could "push through" like
always this month, but that was until my body forced me to sit all the way
down.
I damn near had to be hospitalized for a horrible kidney infection. I couldn’t call and get no help from the kid’s dad because I knew my call or even text was not going to go through. I didn’t know what was going to happen to my kids if the hospital was going to admit me in. I needed to get medical treatment for my kidneys even though I didn’t notice the pain at times. But between my crazy high pain tolerance and pure stubbornness, I kept brushing it off.
I kept telling myself, "You can't miss work, your PTO is running
low," and "You got this just lay down this weekend and chill."
Meanwhile, I was in and out of the emergency room, urgent
care, and still trying to be super mama, superwoman, super-exhausted, but
playing-it-off-baddie. I was in so much pain at one point, I could not even
cry. I was hunched over, exhausted, and tired down to my bones. My kids ask
me what they can do to make me feel better. My eyes spoke words that my mouth
couldn’t speak to them.
That’s when it hit me: I had been running on E. Not just
physically, but mentally, emotionally, spiritually, but in almost every area of
my life.
I realized how far away I had gotten from my inner child. I
gotten away from the girl who loved to laugh, write, create, dream. I had not
been pouring into her at all. I had gotten so caught up in surviving
that I forgot to live. I forgot that rest is a requirement. Time for me is needed. Fun must be had. Dreaming can not cease.
This month also brought a hard truth to the surface: when I'm under pressure, especially in dating, I can self-sabotage. If someone is genuinely looking to get to know me, showing real interest, my first instinct is to pull away. Not because I don’t want love. I do. However, I sometimes feel inadequate.
I think, “How can I even let somebody in when I barely have five
minutes to myself?" The feeling of not being enough tries to creep in and
smack me down. But now, I see that it is a fear that I do not need to embrace.
I had to learn to sit myself down. To rest and still
believe in my dreams. I need to take days off even if it's VTO. I need to go to
the doctor now, not later. I need to pour back into myself without
waiting for a "better time." I need to let myself be loved first by
me, and then by whoever is patient enough to stick around and love me too.
April was tough, but it was honest and raw. I needed it.
Here’s to choosing me every time, no apologies.
April reminded me:
Your body whispers before it screams. I have chosen to listen earlier, rest sooner, and love myself even more.
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