This month tested me in ways that had me hurting.
Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually. Financially.
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There were moments when I did not know how I was going to
make it into the next morning. Nights when I stood in the shower. I would stand
and cry and release everything I was holding in. In the mornings, I had to
force myself out of bed after 6am and put on a smiley face. I was getting up
and trying to get the day going for my kids even when I felt depleted inside.
There were days when I questioned my tolerance for all I
was being delt with.
The unseen hand of cards life delt me for the month had me screaming
in closed fists.
The days started to feel as if everything was closing in on me at once.
Oh, and the nights when the silence was so loud, once my kids would fall to
sleep and all I could do was let the tears race down my face quicker than my feet
could ever physically run.
But despite all of that…
I’m still here.
Luckily for me, I did not numb the pain this time. I did not
distract myself from alcohol, attention from guys, or temporary comfort. I
stayed inside. I sat with discomfort. I let it smack me around while I held my
head up and somehow, I’m still standing.
There is something embodying about being able to say, “This
didn’t break me.”
It tried. Oh, Lord knows I felt defeated.
But I held on.
I kept praying.
I kept getting out of bed in the mornings.
I kept moving, even if for some days I felt unworthy of jazzing myself up.
This month I was taught that healing has grit. It won’t always
look productive. It doesn’t always come with a high five or a raise. Sometimes
healing looks like crying yourself to sleep. Staying off social media. Letting
go of explaining yourself and learning how to find creative ways to be delusional.
If you had a hard month too, I see you.
If you’re reading this, that means you survived it too.
We did that!
We may be hella wore out mentally. We may still be healing.
But we are here.
Sometimes being here is enough.
So, let’s look forward to a softer more compassionate month
ahead with our thoughts
Here’s to you…for what exactly? You did not choose to give up.
Lindađź’–
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