August did not ease in gently. It came in heavy. It got comfortable and sat on my chest, and made me feel every single responsibility I have been carrying. Some months teach you through joy, drive, and new beginnings. This one taught me mainly through exhaustion. There was so much pressure. I whispered prayers.
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There were overdue emotions, and the kind of strength you do not even realize you are using until you finally sit still and feel how tired you are. Between going back to work, getting my children settled into another school year, starting another semester at LSU, keeping up with bills, figuring out childcare, and trying to hold on to the parts of me that exist outside of responsibility, August stretched me thin in almost every direction. There were days when I told myself I had it handled. There were other days when I quietly wondered how much longer I could keep carrying everything without breaking.
Going back to work was probably one of the biggest adjustments this month. I started the school year expecting to return to my role as a teacher's assistant. I was looking forward to being the support in the classroom wherever I was needed.
Not long after the year began, my lead teacher
bid her goodbyes and left. Then suddenly I found myself having to step up in
ways I had not planned for. Instead of simply assisting, it became an everyday
thing where I was standing in front of the classroom teaching lessons. I was keeping
students on track, managing assignments, and trying to make sure they didn't
fall behind while everything around us was changing.
That experience pushed me completely outside of my comfort zone. There were moments when I questioned whether I was doing enough. I questioned whether I was doing things correctly. I wondered how long I could carry responsibilities that were much bigger than the role I originally accepted to do. At the same time, I learned something about myself.
When things became
uncertain, I did not walk away from the students. I showed up. I did what I
could with what I had. I learned that I could step up when necessary. However, I
also learned that being capable does not mean I have to accept every
responsibility as my own.
August taught me a lot about boundaries at work. I can
care about my students. I can be dependable. I can help keep the classroom
moving. I can take pride in what I do while still recognizing where my
responsibilities should begin and end. Stepping up during a difficult
transition showed me some strengths I did not know I had. However, it also
reminded me why protecting my time and energy is going to be important as I
balance work, motherhood, and finishing my own degree.
At the same time, I had to get my own children back
into their school routine. Those meant mornings, uniforms, hair, homework, and transportation.
Oh, plus extended care, dinners, baths, and everything else that comes with
being the only parent responsible for making sure the household keeps moving.
There is so much unnoticed work that goes into raising children and keeping a
family on schedule. Sometimes I do not even realize how much I am doing until I
finally sit down at night.
Childcare was another major adjustment this month.
When you are a working parent, solely getting off work does not mean the
workday is over. There still must be a plan for where the children will be. You
have to know how they will get home. Who will be there? How much is all of it
going to cost. I had to adjust. I also had to rethink plans that did not work
out. Plus, I had to figure out what made the most sense for my family. It was
stressful. However, I continued finding a way.
Then LSU started back. I am a senior now. Knowing that I am getting closer to earning my bachelor's degree makes this season feel different. I have worked too hard to get this far to allow myself to give up now. Going to college while working and raising two children is not easy.
There
are nights when I would much rather close my laptop and go to sleep than read
another chapter or finish another assignment. However, every assignment I
submit is another small step toward something I have wanted for myself for a
long time.
I am also learning that I do not have to sacrifice
sleep or completely run myself into the ground to prove that I am serious about
finishing school. This semester is going to require discipline. On top of that it
is also going to require structure. I have to know when it is time to study. I
have to keep in mind when it is time to be a mother, when it is time to handle
things around the house, and when it's simply time to go to bed. I do not have
to do everything perfectly. I just have to keep moving forward.
Financially, August was also a reminder that there is
a difference between being broke and being in an expensive season of life.
There were school expenses, childcare expenses, household bills,
transportation, groceries, clothes, and all the other little things that do not
seem so little once they start coming out of your bank account. Sometimes it
feels like money leaves damn near as quickly as it comes in. Still, the bills
are getting handled. My children have what they need. I am continuing to learn
how to make better decisions with what I have.
One of the brightest spots of August has been this blog. As I am writing this, She's Found Strength has received more than 40,000 reads this month. Seeing that number means so much to me because this blog has grown alongside me. I have written during good seasons.
I have written
during painful seasons, rebuilding seasons, motherhood, divorce, financial
struggles, personal growth, and everything in between. Knowing that people are
still finding my words and taking the time to read them reminds me that
continuing to show up matters.
More than 40,000 reads are not just a number to me. Somewhere behind every page view is a person who found something I wrote. Maybe they related to it. Maybe they found it through a search. Maybe they have been reading for years.
Whatever brought them here, I am grateful. There have been
plenty of times when life became busy and blogging could have easily been one
of the things I stopped doing. I am thankful I did not.
I also continued creating content outside of the blog.
Some of the simplest moments with my children became memories I could capture
and share. Doing my daughter's hair, recording videos, editing clips, and
finding little pieces of creativity in my everyday life gave me something. Something
that was not connected to work, bills, deadlines, or stress. I realize that
creativity is something I need in my life. It gives me a place to breathe and
reminds me that there is still room for things I genuinely enjoy.
Emotionally, August was not just imperfect. August was heavy as hell. There were moments when I felt frustrated. I was very exhausted, disappointed, and honestly tired. Tired of being the one everybody seems to expect to keep going no matter what. I even sent a few text messages to my kids’ dad cussin' him out because of the silence.
The lack of response. The
lack of help started eating at me in a way I could not ignore anymore. It is
one thing to be strong. It is another thing to feel like you are carrying
children, bills, work, school, emotions, and responsibilities by yourself while
somebody else gets to be unreachable. That kind of weight does something to
your mind. This month, I felt myself crumbling slowly, piece by piece. I had to
admit that I am not okay just because I keep showing up.
Then work has been looking for so much out of me that
by the time I get off, I barely have anything left to pour into my own
creativity. I love being able to create. I enjoy being able to write, record,
edit, and share pieces of my life. However, it is hard to pull from an empty
place. Some days I get home and feel like the best parts of me have already
been spent before I even get the chance to sit with my own thoughts. I do not
want to lose the version of me who creates. I refuse to have survival demanding
all of my energy.
Every week, I have been giving it to God. I have been and asking Him to help me come up with the money for extended care for my daughter. It is not a small thing when you already make what you make as a TA. Plus, you still have to stretch that money across childcare, groceries, bills, gas, school needs, and everything else life throws at you.
I know God has been
keeping me. There are weeks when I look at the numbers and do not know how it
is going to work. However, somehow I make it to the other side. Still, making
it through does not mean it is not heavy. It does not mean I am not tired. It
does not mean I am not scared of what happens if I run out of strength.
Sometimes I wish I had my mother’s presence around to
help me. Not even just for the physical help, but for the comfort of knowing
somebody who loves me could step in. Someone could sit with me, tell me to
breathe, or help carry the load for a moment. There are days when I do not know
how much longer I can pull this weight and these expenses by myself. I know I
am blessed. I know my children are blessings. I know I am capable. But damn,
capable does not mean unbreakable. Capable does not mean I do not need rest,
support, softness, or somebody to notice that I am trying not to fall apart.
That is probably the biggest lesson I am taking from
August; showing up counts.
Sometimes we convince ourselves that progress must
look impressive. We think we need the perfect routine. We may think that our
finances, home, or career must be on point to say that we are doing well. I am
starting to understand that some seasons are simply about staying committed to
the life you are building while things are still coming together.
There are also some things I do not want to carry with me into September. I do not want to carry unnecessary pressure. I do not want to feel guilty every time I rest. I do not want every evening to feel like a race against the clock.
I do not want to feel that my day has to consume the
energy that belongs to my children, my education, my creativity, my faith, and
myself. August showed me where I need stronger boundaries. I need better
routines, and more honesty about what I can and cannot keep holding alone.
For September, I am asking for something simple. I am
asking God for peace, discipline, consistency, and balance. I want to
follow the routines I am creating for myself. I want to stay ahead of my LSU
assignments instead of constantly feeling like I am catching up. I want to be
present with my children. I want to continue writing. I want to take care of my
responsibilities without allowing them to become my entire identity. Most
importantly, I want to keep giving my plans to God while also doing my part.
August was heavy, but it was not wasted.
I learned. Adjusted. Cried. Prayed. Worked. Studied. Mothered.
Created. I set boundaries. I had difficult days. I had good days. However, through
all of it, I kept going.
So, I am closing August with gratitude. Not because
everything went the way I wanted it to, but not because I had everything
figured out. For me, it is about how I made it through another month with a
clearer understanding of what I want my life to look like.
I am proud that I continued working towards my degree.
I am proud that I kept showing up for my children. I am proud that I stepped up
when things unexpectedly changed at work. I am proud that I continued creating.
I am incredibly grateful that more than 40,000 reads came to this little space
on the internet where I have shared so many chapters of my life.
Here is to September.
I am not asking for a perfect month.
I am asking for a peaceful one. Please God fix it for
me.
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