Confession: I'm trying to get over being a Perfectionist
For the past two weeks, I have been having mental break downs. I been at war with my damn self and feeling like my best is never good enough. I want to welcome you to this vent session with an overcoming-perfectionist. I have been a perfectionist since I was about fifteen or sixteen.
Around my teenage years, being a perfectionist was a way of me having control. I was diagnose with ADHD at sixteen and started to take medication to help me become a better focus student while in school. My ADHD only made my anxiety even higher and made me being a perfectionist a skill. A skill that I tried to prefect, but always fell short of perfect. Now don’t get me twisted with being a straight ‘A’ student, who was a high achiever.
I won’t say that I was far from being a high achiever, but I wasn’t really a true academic dare-devil when it came to acing tests. All I really wanted to be was on top of my school work, pass my classes, and stay out of the red with failing. To be real, I did just that, even though I struggle my ass off with passing math and algebra.
Years later, I can say that I am trying to shake being a perfectionist. I always had to write in straight lines in my journals and notebooks. I use to love for my hand writing to look like Times New Roman font.
I was settling into the ways of a perfectionist so young that I hated competing in writing competition, because I never wanted to come out on the bottom. I always understood my worth always wanted better for myself. You see my family never really went hard for me.
My family never came to any of my school functions, open house, field trips, or even paid for me to have photos taken at school. I never felt good enough growing up. I never felt like I was worth being cared for. I use to look around at the huge crowds at my schools’ awards day ceremony and there was no one ever there to support me. Not having any one there to support me from being in Pre-k all the way to high school really did a number on my sanity.
I use to think that why should I do my best in school, when no one in my got-damn family gave a f*#k whether I drop out or graduate. I was starting to be a little envious of my peers who had their families support for everything that they did. I hated that feeling with a passion, because I never asked to be born into a family like the one I was raised in.
I became a perfectionist for my own sanity. I knew then that God wasn’t pleased with my mind frame. He still hasn’t been pleased with my mind-frame after all of these years. I am truly trying to shake being a perfectionist. Even to this day being a perfectionist has hinder me from possibly receiving countless of blessings that God has had in stored for me. Being a perfectionist comes with a lot of worry and anxiety. A lot of worry and anxiety that I truly don’t need.
I have taking my wanting to be a perfectionist to my 9-to-5 and it has only made me look like a got-damn obsessive over-thinker! My coworkers love me either way, but I want to love myself past my anger of wanting to be a perfectionist. Being a bank teller is truly one of the most stressful jobs that I ever held down in my 23 years of living. The need and expectation of being precise with every transaction rains over my head while I am there.
There have been days last week that I wanted to slam my head into one of the walls and cry like a damn baby, for being careless. I want to get better!
Please believe me and trust the plus when you read this. I am going to be keeping you updated with this journey. I know I am not alone. I don’t care if I am being judge. I want to discover my inner strength to move past this thing called ‘perfectionism’ that has been trying to control my life all of these years. This is the confession of a young woman who wants to over-come being a perfectionist. This journey won’t be an easy one, but it damn sho’ will be worth it.
Discover your inner strength each day along the way with