I had to go so bad that I knew if I stood in the checkout line for anything over three minutes that I was going to urinate all over the Target tile floors. I reassured myself before leaving home that wearing a pad was the best thing to do because my period symptoms have been raging. I politely told my mother-in-law to keep a close eye on my son before powerwalking to the ladies' restroom with my pocketbook on my shoulder. 

I’m a place in my life that I never thought I would be. I’m distant. Distant from the family that raised me. Distant from my mother. Distant from my siblings. Distant from the hurt. The crazy part about it is that I use to thrive from being so close to those things. My family was dysfunctional. My mother always wanted the best for all her children even though she was illiterate.

Over the past year, I have grown to become out of touch with almost everyone in my immediate family. I was raise by my mother who is a very shallow and one of the most introverted people that I have ever known. My mother is very superstitious and small minded. She raised her three children to be a sheer image of her in many ways.

I used to waste unnecessary energy trying to explain my motives to people and even for them to see things my way whenever an argument may have arisen. During these times in my life I always felt like I had to speak up and when I did little did I knew I spoke to those who took what I said with a grain of salt. 

We are now officially in the month of March! Can you believe that we are three months already into 2018? It's an exciting feeling! I am amped up to take on this month of March.

I was thinking of a way to start this blog post. Replaying my unspoken words in my mind repeatedly this morning. I laid in bed besides my sleeping baby and prayed to God to start my morning. Before 2018 even arrived, I have been praying to God for mental clarity. 

Every night I have very vivid dreams and I mainly use a dream journal to keep track of my dreams (if I can remember) first thing every morning. 

I didn't bring in the new year watching beautiful fireworks explode in the brisk night sky. I didn't bring in the New Year watching the ball drop in New York with millions of other eager watchers. I didn't bring in the New Year popping fireworks in 20 degrees southeast Louisiana coldness.

I just wanted to reveal to you all what I am grateful for before Christmas arrives: 

I wanted to start this blog post off by saying this year has been truly eye-opening for me. It wasn't like I was sleep or anything like that. Well, yeah, I wasn't spiritual woke on the inside to see what God wanted me to understand in my waking life.

Around March, I had found out I was having a baby boy, and the first person besides my husband. I wanted to tell was my mom. However, to tell my mom, the news I had to tell my Lil sister first. (I had no problem with doing it either.)

Have you ever looked at your paycheck from your 9 to 5 job and wondered, “What in the hell is this?” You have basically busted your ass the entire pay period with no days off and your paycheck or even direct deposit after taxes felt like a damn insult. Then reality hits you. You rethink your negative way of thinking because you know that you have things to take care of and bills that are due. I can honestly say that I know the feeling. Let me say that it did not take just a couple of months working a job to make ends meet to make me realize my passion and my self-worth. 

I know firsthand what growing up on government assistance and even having government assistance in your life to make ends meet. I remember going to the only grocery store in my parish when I was a child all the way up until I was a teenager with my mama and auntie to “make groceries.” My mother use to have two baskets filled with all sorts of food and many of the cashiers who knew we were poor would laugh at us. Who would have thought that going to a small-town grocery store to buy groceries could be so damn judgmental?

I resigned from my job as a bank teller officially on Friday, September 15^th, 2017. That entire day I had so many mixed emotions and yes, many of my mixed emotions came from my pregnancy hormones that I have been trying to keep at bay. Those mixed emotions were happiness, uneasiness, anxiousness, and sadness. I found excitement within doing my makeup and getting ready for what was truly going to be my last day on my job. Of course, if you have been an avid reader of mines for some time now you would know that I truly disliked my job with a passion around this same time last year. 

As of today, I am nine weeks and three days pregnant. I am basically three days’ past being three months pregnant with you. Right now, you are the size of a green olive. I have been back to the doctor ever since, the last update and I had an ultrasound. Mommy will explain to you when you get here and can understand what an ultrasound is too, so don’t be confused while you read this.