June Beat My Ass, But I’m Still Praying for July

June pounced all on my chest. I am not even being dramatic. This month had me working summer school. I was trying to keep my head above water. I was still trying to be somebody’s mama, somebody’s employee, somebody’s everything. I did all this while feeling like I was running on fumes with no real place to put the exhaustion down.

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I worked summer school this month. Honestly, that alone took a lot out of me. I also found myself reframing how I look at what I do. I have been posting a tad bit more reels and TikToks online. I have been showing pieces of my life and the energy around what I do. However, I am also realizing I must stop posting some bits of me on the internet. Especially when it comes to work, I would rather keep certain things under wraps. Not because I am hiding or scared, but because some of it is open access to my new chapter. People will watch you closely and not miss a post to make assumptions about what they think they know about you from what you choose to show.

Oh baby, this month? I have been burned the hell out. Plus, I am not talking about cute tiredness. Not “I need a nap” tired. I mean the kind of tired where your body is moving, but your mind is somewhere sitting in a corner staring outside from a window. Handling everything on my own has been heavy as hell. Child support never came, money was tight, and my grocery bill was crazy asf. Every time I looked around, something needed to be paid, bought, handled, fixed, remembered, or figured out. I am sitting there like, damn, can I breathe first?

I have not even been going to many places. My car has been parked for days at a time. I was so overwhelmed and overstimulated that even leaving the house felt as if it was too much. I did not want to go into stores just to spend money out of being bored, anxious, or trying to feel something. I have been trying to be responsible. However, being responsible when you are stressed is a whole different kind of pressure. It is like you know what you need to do, but your thoughts are not forming clearly at the same time.

I felt physically alone this month. I truly did. I hate even saying that publicly. I do not want it to sound as if I am ungrateful. I am thankful. I am thankful I have a place to stay. I am thankful the bills are paid for the month. I am thankful I can at least set some kind of tone in my space and not be completely out not having. However, gratitude does not cancel out exhaustion. Being thankful does not mean I am not tired as hell. Both can be hella valid.

Plus, another thing that has been eating at me is feeling like I am under so much surveillance. People are watching everything with a microscope. Every move, every post, every silence, also every little decision. Ugh. It makes me want to pull back even more. Especially because why does it feel like so many people are waiting to analyze me instead of just letting me live? I am already anxious. I am already frantic. I am already trying to keep myself together. I do not need an invisible audience too.

I am happy I went out earlier in the month even though I needed that. I needed to feel like I was more than bills, work, groceries, and stress. But now, as we go into July, I feel mentally depleted. I wish I had something set on the itinerary to look forward to. I am talking something creative, something fun, something that could take my mind off being a frantic and anxious ass mama for five damn minutes. I need something to pour into that is not just survival.

I have not been physically dating either, or honestly, I do not even know if I have the full energy for all that right now. But I would be lying if I said I did not miss the thrill of getting to know somebody I might hit shit off with. Not even on no sex type of time. That little spark of conversation, curiosity, laughing at the phone on Facetime, wondering what somebody is about, and feeling like maybe there is still something refreshing and exciting out there for me too. Sometimes I do not want pressure. I want the possibility of connection without feeling like I must give every part of myself away.

I also know I must write more. That thought keeps reminding me every time I journal. I know there is something in me that needs to be finished, re-read, professionally edited, and published. However, it has been challenging for me to create when I am in a state of survival mode. It is hard to sit down and write when your nervous system is already tired. Still, I know writing is part of the way out. I know my words matter, even when I feel upset. Especially when I feel upset.

So yeah, June was a lot. It stretched me, pissed me off, humbled me, and made me sit with myself in ways I did not exactly ask for. I am not walking into July pretending I am magically all together or suddenly full of energy. I am walking in the month tired, but I am still walking. I am praying for a better July. I am praying. Praying for more peace, more money, more support, more clarity, more softness, more reasons to smile, and more understanding. I am praying for all these specific things, because after a month like this, I am still trying to find the damn light, and I refuse to believe it is not somewhere close.