Some days in October, I could feel the tears coming before I even knew which problem I was crying about. Was it the school calling again? The fear that my son's needs could cost me a stable job? The bills, the assignments, or the guilt that I was not giving my daughter enough of me?
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Between working, raising two children, attending college, and trying to hold everything together without a real support system, I spent much of this month feeling one more damn problem away from breaking. I walked into October hoping to accomplish a few things. Instead, I found myself trying to make it through each day without losing my mind.
One thing about being a woman in her 30s is that life does not necessarily become easier, because you are getting older. If anything, you become more aware of everything that is resting on your shoulders. There are mornings when I wake up already thinking about what needs to be paid. I think about what needs to be completed.
I overthink in the mornings about what the children need, and what I forgot to
do the night before. Sometimes I have not even brushed my teeth before my mind
starts running through a mental checklist. Somehow, I am supposed to squeeze in
self-care, eating clean, exercise, and eight hours of sleep. Girl, please.
This month also reminded me how expensive it is to exist. I am not talking about luxury vacations. I am not talking about getting designer handbags or treating myself to something extravagant. I am talking about groceries, electricity, transportation, school expenses, and all the little things that feast away at a paycheck.
Working hard and being responsible still leaves me calculating what I
can afford at the grocery store. I now the fear of losing job stability. This
is because of a school call that can make my day feel even heavier. Financial
stability already felt like a goal post that kept moving. This month, it felt
like the ground beneath it could quake at any moment.
Oh, then there is motherhood. I love my children more than anything. However, I am learning that I can love being their mother while also admitting that doing everything alone is exhausting as hell. This month, I have felt pulled in so many directions that some days I do not even know which fire to put out first.
There
are days when I wish I could simply clock out of being responsible for
everybody and everything. Not because I want to escape my children, but because
I would love to experience what it feels like to have someone else handle
things without me having to ask, explain, remind, or worry. Sometimes I want to
sit in complete silence without hearing somebody call my name, ask me for a
snack, or need me to make one more damn decision.
October also brought moments that forced me to think differently about parenting. My son was diagnosed with high-functioning autism this month. Even though having an answer gives me a place to begin, it has also opened the door to a whole new set of fears. I am trying to understand his needs while dealing with his behavior at school. I wonder what phone call might come next.
I worry that I
won't be able to keep a stable job if I constantly must leave work or rearrange
everything. That fear is real as hell. I keep asking myself how I am supposed
to build financial stability when one difficult school day can throw the whole
damn plan off. What makes it heavier is feeling like I do not have anyone to physically
turn to. There is no one to physically reliable to call, no backup plan, and no
place to set down the weight for even a minute.
At the same time, I am pouring into my daughter as she begins her reading and writing journey at five years old. I want to be present for every new word, every struggle to pronounce a letter, and every moment when something finally clicks for her.
However,
even in those sweet moments, I catch myself wondering if I am doing enough. Am
I reading with her enough? Am I practicing with her enough? Am I giving her the
patience and attention she deserves while so much of me is focused on what her
brother needs? Trying to show up fully for both of my children while working,
going to school, paying bills, and holding myself together has left me burned
the hell out.
By the time everything stacks up, I am talking the school calls, the diagnosis, the fear about work, the bills, the assignments, the reading practice, the guilt, and the pressure to keep acting like I have got this shit handled, I feel completely emptied out. The truth is that I do not always have it handled. Sometimes I cry a cry felt in the hollows of my stomach with a towel over my mouth as my kids sleep.
I am tired of being needed by everyone while having no
one to lean on myself. I am learning that raising children is not always about
having the most best answers or knowing exactly what to do next. Sometimes it
is about listening, learning, advocating, and accepting that certain situations
require more patience than you ever imagined. I still wonder whether I am doing
enough. However, I am beginning to understand that being present, willing to
learn, and determined to keep showing up matters more than pretending I have
everything figured out.
Academically, October reminded me why I started this journey in the first place. Being a college student in my early 30s while working full-time and raising children is not for the weak. There have been nights when I wanted to close my laptop, turn off every light, and forget that assignments even existed.
However, I kept
reminding myself that I am not doing this to earn a degree. I am doing it, because
I want options. I want opportunities. I want to eventually reach a point where
I am not constantly choosing between what I need and what I can afford. Every
completed assignment brings me a little closer to the woman I am working so
hard to become.
I have also been thinking about how much my relationship with people has changed. The older I get, the less interested I become in forcing conversations. I am less interested in explaining my worth, or trying to convince somebody to make room for me in their life.
October made it painfully clear that people can say all the right things and still have no intention of showing up consistently! When I am already carrying motherhood, school calls, work, bills, and exhaustion on my own, that inconsistency is more than disappointing.
It leaves me without the
support I desire. I no longer have the energy to beg someone to be dependable
or to expect closure from people whose actions have already given me an answer.
Sometimes the way somebody chooses to treat you is all the information you need.
Sometimes protecting your peace means accepting that you may have to stop
counting on people who keep proving they cannot be counted on.
Another
thing I have realized is that I spend so much time thinking about what I have
not accomplished that I rarely stop to acknowledge what I have managed to do. I
can be extremely hard on myself. I will complete an assignment. I will take
care of my children, show up to work, make dinner, and still go to bed feeling
like I should have done more. More studying. More cleaning. More writing. More
saving. More everything. It is almost as if being productive has become the
only way I know how to measure whether I have had a good day. However, I am slowly
learning that rest does not have to be earned through exhaustion.
Even my creativity has been a reminder that there is still a part of me outside of motherhood, employment, and college. Writing gives me somewhere to put the thoughts I do not always have the opportunity to say out loud.
My blog has
become a place where I can be funny, frustrated, reflective, and completely
myself. I do not have to pretend that life is picture-perfect or that every
difficult experience comes with an inspirational lesson. Sometimes I want to
write about how crazy asf adulthood can be and hope another woman reads it and
says, "Girl, I thought I was the only one."
If October
taught me anything about independence, it is that being strong does not mean
you never get tired of being strong. Sometimes independence feels empowering. Other
times independence feels like standing in the middle of a room full of
responsibilities wondering who you are supposed to call when you need help.
There is a difference between enjoying your own company and having no choice
but to figure everything out yourself. I have experienced both. I am no longer
interested in romanticizing the struggle, because I have become good at
surviving it.
As the
month comes to an end, I cannot say that every problem has been solved. My bank
account is not magically overflowing. My schedule has not become less demanding.
I certainly have not mastered the art of balancing everything without feeling
overwhelmed. However, I have made progress in ways that do not always show up
on paper. I am becoming more intentional about my time. I am more protective of
my peace. I am also more realistic about what I can accomplish in a single day.
I also
want to enter November with fewer unrealistic expectations of myself. I do not
need to reinvent my entire life in thirty days. I do not need to have every
financial problem figured out before the holidays. I do not need to compare my
progress to women who have completely different circumstances, support systems,
or opportunities. What I do need to do is to continue showing up for myself,
make thoughtful decisions, and remember that the life I am building is not going
to happen quickly.
October
was not necessarily the soft, peaceful, jazz music lounge-filled month that
social media makes fall look like. It was messy. October was expensive,
emotional, exhausting, and occasionally downright ghetto. It was also another
month that I managed to navigate while carrying responsibilities that are not
always visible to the outside world.
So, let us
toast to the woman who made it through October with unfinished goals, a restless
spirit, a busy mind, and enough determination to keep going. Here’s the mother
who sometimes cries behind closed doors but still finds a reason to laugh with
her children. Let’s toast for the college student who keeps opening that laptop
even when she would rather be asleep. Here's to the woman who still believes
that better days are possible, even when her current circumstances make them
difficult to imagine.
I may not
be ending October with everything I wanted. However, I am ending it knowing
that a hard month is not proof that I am failing. I am still learning how to
advocate for my son, nurture my daughter's growth, protect my ability to
provide for them, and make room for the exhausted woman underneath all those
responsibilities. I have a little more wisdom. I also have a little less
patience for bullshit and a deeper understanding that surviving this month was
not the bare minimum. Surviving this month was an accomplishment.
Therefore,
right now, that's enough.
Goodbye,
October. You were a lot, and I mean a LOT. But you did not take me out.
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