October of 2019 taught me that I must cut mental ties along with physical ties to people. I felt let down plenty of times. I felt used by my own siblings. I expected actions from people who did not even think or considered my feelings. I allowed situations from people to have power over me. 

Chile, I the gangster side out of me on social media from feeling triggered. I understood that somethings within my immediate family will never change. There were no happy birthday wishes to my son in any sort of phone call or text from neither my sister nor brother. 

Whenever things hit the fan in their lives or they need a word of advice their pride always is too strong to ask me for anything. My son is their only nephew and they seem to not give a damn about him. I have mentally accepted the truth they will never speak.

Family does not mean nothing when the bond is not there. I haven’t spoken to my younger sister since August 27, 2019. She’s so bitter and jealous of my life that it’s scary. She doesn’t support me. She doesn’t make or place any effort into being active in my son Eli’s life at all. We don’t even live in different states. 

Only an hour or a 45-minute drive away from one another, and this girl is expecting me to pay her $40 in gas to come to visit. I tell my mama that I am not keeping Eli away from her every other day during the week when I call her. She understands that Patricia is bitter. Bitter enough to not want anything to do with my son because of the hate she has in her heart for me. The crazy part is that I never did her a thing. I never told her anything out of line. She just straight-up hates me and that’s her damn business.

As for my younger brother he’s living in Texas. He’s going to be a father in April 2020 to his first child with his girlfriend. He was afraid to even tell our mama that he had gotten a girl pregnant over the phone. He’s a 19-year-old who has been in and out of the juvenile and prison system for years. I can say that he wanted a relationship with his father who never was active in his life at the beginning of the year. Somewhere in the wanting to re-establish a bond with this father he became enraged. 

Enraged with the thought of how he grew up in poverty with just his mama and mentally retarded uncles as father figures. Enraged with how his father did not understand his pain. I also knew that he was enraged because he thought his father was going to one day save him from the prison system. His father let him down plenty of times. I just pray that my brother, Louis doesn’t let his son down the way that his father did.

I have been beating myself up mentally this month about my mother and uncle’s living situation. They both still are living with their younger sister and her husband. My auntie desires her own personal space in her trailer. I can’t blame her. She wants her privacy and alone time with her husband. I just have been wishing that I was financially secured enough to get my folks a place of their own. I have been wishing that I could help them get a nice house or trailer. However, I can not do anything for them. It eats at me. It feasts on my hustle. 

Accomplishing my dreams will not just be a blessing for me. I am grinding, so my people can live nice too. My sister still messing up their social security money. Her shopping impulses are through the damn roof. No one can stop her from being greedy and needy. I have talked to her about it before on serval occasions to gain clarity. However, you can not gain clarity on any situation with anyone who’s beating around the bush with the truth. I digress.

Overall, things will work out for the better. I will mentally get better and physically keep going. I can not hold everyone’s burdens on my back as if they are my own. I can not tell you when I am going back to my home town to visit. I have learned that sometimes just letting a phone call or text message go unanswered on purpose is okay. There is a feeling of peace that has come with not always being available.

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