I'm here, but I am not alone. I am here with God and my children. My son and my daughter have no idea where we are. They do not know how we ended up living out of an extended stay hotel. I have the answers for them in the future, even if the question is never asked. This is my first Thanksgiving without my spouse. It hurts. I feel defeated from allowing my past self to have my current and two kids going through this. My codependency on my spouse was too intense, and I am finally breaking free.
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| Photo by Kiy Turk on Unsplash |
Today is Thanksgiving, and I am thankful to be here. I am grateful that I was strong enough to walk away from my marriage that was mentally and emotionally draining me to the point I could no longer look at myself in the bathroom mirror without having a mental breakdown. As much as I can say I did not deserve to go through what I did in my marriage, I believe that my husband felt and still possibly feels the same way.
Last Thanksgiving in 2020, I found out that I was pregnant. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I recall telling my husband that he was lying asleep when I touched him with excitement, and he seemed unbothered. He just turned his head in the opposite direction nonchalantly and went back to sleep. Now, as you read this, I am holding on to our daughter, whose three months as she nurses herself to sleep on my right boob.
I was always going the extra mile in our marriage, even after seeing the red flags. I was the fixer. I was always trying to be Mrs. Linda the Builder, even after therapy.
I knew better but went against the grain.
What I have come to terms with is that I can't fix anyone. I enjoyed taking on every challenge until I realized that the fixing is much more exhausting and not rewarding than the time and effort I could be placing into myself and my goals.
This Thanksgiving gave me time to reflect on what I am not missing. This Thanksgiving allowed me to not be in the kitchen cooking (which is one of my happy places) but to just enjoy this time with my children and writing. I am embracing this change reluctantly. I am in another city without any family. I have the same clothes on my back that I packed in garbage bags and left with a month ago. My heart is filled with gratitude throughout my circumstances.
I cried today in the shower this morning as Eli and Alina were still asleep. I thought about how so much changed in just one year. I thought about last Thanksgiving and how I'm so determined to give Eli and Alina so much better for next year and so far on. I am thankful for the peace of mind I am experiencing.
I am grateful for loving myself enough to pick up the little I could gather and go with very little money and no vehicle. I am thankful that I didn't lose my mind or my faith in God. I am grateful to have somewhere that I can afford to stay with my children as well. I am excited about what's to come next year for my children and me.
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