The morning was calm and was brought in with smiles from both my children. My alarm on my phone went off at 6am, and I immediately thanked God for a new day. I sang "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" to my children before heading into the kitchen to make us breakfast. I was at peace this Christmas.
Last year, I cried in the shower tears of happiness for my unborn baby growing in my womb and tears of frustration because I didn't feel financially secure within my marriage. I did not know how ends would be made if something ever happened to us even then. I was an emotional wreck Christmas morning 2020 because I did not have much money to purchase my husband a gift, and for that, he did make it known that he was upset that I didn't buy him anything. Money was already tight from what I knew because we always had separated accounts and nothing joint, but I just did not want to feel guilty for not buying him a gift this Christmas because he purchased something for me.
Today I took time to reflect and just be to myself and the children in this hotel room. I had a few moments that made me infuriated when I thought about how our children deserve a much better father in their lives. Overall, I enjoyed opening the few gifts I had for my son and daughter with them and watching a few shows on Netflix with them both.
I also didn't question how wrong it was for their father to call after 6pm via FaceTime in pure darkness to tell them Merry Christmas. Eli couldn't even make out his father's face, just his voice, and all I was able to do was just shake my head. Guilt with a narcissist will feast on their minds without troubling them. He broke the silent treatment he's been giving both our children and me for over two weeks just to say "Merry Christmas" in the dark like he was "IT" in the damn sewer systems.
The moment he was finished trying to get and keep our children's attention on FaceTime, I knew he was ready to argue with me. Arguing to take down my joys spirit was the hidden motive to make me feel like shit since our children were with me and not him. I decided to take the high road and hang up.
I did not show my face, nor did I give into him questioning about taking Eli for a weekend when our children nor I had a permanent living situation, and he's been giving our children and me the silent treatment. Giving in to answering the question and even stopping to whatever lower level he was on would not strike my happiness away.
One thing I wanted to truly value this Christmas was my peace. Having peace today and tonight meant hanging the hell up and not feeling bad about it. May I continue to have a "Silent night" as Eli and Alina rest and I take a warm shower and relax before heading off to bed.
Remember that someone to piss you off must first allow mental and emotional access. When you move unbothered and behave in such a matter, no one or nothing can take you from your happiness.
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