This Christmas will be different. I am separated from my husband of eight years and have two children. I have a better outlook on what happiness means to our children and me. Last year, if someone had told me that it would be my last Christmas as a mother of one in the house, we shared I would have cherished it a little more. I would have loved myself more and kissed my husband with more passion and intensity.
They would have don’t solidify anything today. I am grateful that Christmas last year was spent as a family. These few days before Christmas, I focus on myself and my children. I am pouring energy into bettering myself and my relationship with Christ. I refuse to allow myself to become a victim of bitterness. There’s so much to celebrate and give thanks for right now.
I am grateful that I escape with both of my children. I did not have much nor a car to drive, and God provided! All it took was to step out on faith and place my fears behind me. I was beyond scared to leave the house that I strived to make a home as a wife and mother. I did not know life without my husband providing for me.
I lost myself within the marriage around 2019, and emotionally I didn’t know how to get myself back. In 2019 I went back to college but still felt unsure of my purpose. I felt silenced and caged in the house I lived. I put on my best smile daily and showed up for myself and the image of the happy wife, but I was dying on the inside.
I hid my unhappiness from everyone. My husband was unhappy for years with our marriage. Once he stopped wearing his wedding ring, I thought I could fix us. I always loved a challenge but fixing us was already a shattered mirror of our reality.
There was only so much that I could do to play up our image of “happy” that it left me mentally and spiritually exhausted. God spoke to me one day through prayer in early 2021 after I had an explosive argument with Bruce and laid it upon my heart and mind to leave. I felt trapped and unable to go because I feared ending up with our son. It was never my intention to become a single mother. I came from a single mother home. I know the struggle my mother fought firsthand to provide for my two younger siblings and me.
The struggle she endured frightened me. I was almost afraid ever to have a child of my own. I never had any examples of ideal healthy marriages to mirror, nor did my spouse. He came from a broken home, even with two parents. I realized that the hurt he experienced from being raised the way he did somehow affected his role as a husband and father. I never spoke about it with him but kept notes in my journals and encouraged him to go to therapy, but he did not want the help.
I learned not to press issues on the people that I love. I learned to let the problem present itself and handle it to the best ability without guilt. I carried so much remorse and pain. Before I went to therapy in 2020, they were difficult to go through throughout the many years of our marriage. I put myself down and worked out about five times a week because I felt unattractive to my husband. I often felt undefeated from not seeing my body tone look thinner to please my husband.
He used to tell me I was sexy, but I felt more like a sex doll than a trophy wife. That’s another topic for another day because sex became a weapon in our marriage. I want you to know that it is okay to back away from things and people no longer bringing you peace. My marriage was killing me. I was losing my damn mind all while going through postpartum. I won’t ever allow myself to get to the point where I look in the mirror and wonder if I am worth the life I have ever again.
I am on a newfound mission to recreate a beautiful life for my two kids. They deserve to see the best version of their mama. I am going to start back driving. I am going to get us an apartment and a job! I am going to get a car. I am going to be present for them! I will find a new church home, and I will push towards chasing my dreams to the fullest! Nothing or no one is standing in my way. I have poured enough into the marriage that has left me empty. It is now time to pour into me!
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