Book an Uber and go! That's what I've been doing with my children. I have been taking my kids with me to see the city and have fun more than my spouse ever did. Before I had Alina, I was stuck inside with Eli throughout the week. The furthest I would go with my son was around the neighborhood blocks we lived in while he rode his bike on the sidewalk. 

I lived in fear of not having my husband around to help me. I became so codependent on him that I was terrified of going far away from the home we shared without him. I still, to this day, don't believe he gives a damn. But I just want to tell you that the codependency that I had when it came to him was not healthy for me to be a functioning adult.

I couldn't be a functioning mother because of my codependency on my husband. Imagine having to ask your husband and father of your children if it would be okay if y'all can go to Target or make plans on a Saturday to just go to a park. 

There were many times I would cringe just feeling as if I was a child asking my husband for permission to go shopping for household items, groceries, or even just something for myself. I spent some of my time doing a lot of online shopping because I was strictly confined to the house. 

It even was to the point that his own mother commented that if I wanted to go anywhere with the kids (and if she wasn't busy or tired, she would take us wherever we had to go). She refused to understand that it shouldn't be that way. I am a grown woman with a driver's license and no car who desires to be independent. 

So it became answering to him and her even though they had a strained mother and son relationship if I wanted to get out with Eli and Alina. I couldn't allow myself to feel like I was insane for wanting to be independent or even to parent without my mother-in-law breathing down my neck just because we were out and about due to her. 

What's frightens me still to this day is that his own father, who I still love dearly, would ask why Linda isn't driving? Bruce wouldn't say anything. He would just give a dumbfounded expression and shrug. The day that I backed away from driving was back in 2016. 

Bruce would have to go to traffic court every month faithfully and pay $50 because he had accumulated so many tickets throughout all these years of driving that it was shocking. On one of those days, it was raining. I decided to come with him on the ride. 

It was a late afternoon, and just to sum things up, the car we had shouldn't have been on the road. So he took it anyway. Before he went in, he told me to move the vehicle of the meter lady comes so the car doesn't get towed. He went into the courthouse to pay for the ticket. While he was inside, the meter lady ended up making her rounds in the parking lot. I saw her, and she saw that we didn't have a parking ticket on the windshield. 

I got out our two-door Honda and made my way to the driver's side in the light sheets of rain. The meter lady was a heavy-set black woman. She watched me as I slowly started backing up out of the parking spot in front of the courthouse. I pulled out and just started driving around the area. No music on, just focused on every car, person, and stop sign that I came in contact with. 

Bruce had already made his way out of the courthouse during my time driving around. I didn't know he was out until I saw him talking frantically to a white man in front of an establishment across from the courthouse after a few more rounds around the area. I pulled up on him talking.

He looked like he saw a damn monster. He power walked to the driver's side of the car. I was just staring at him, trying to figure out what had happened. He then said that he thought someone had taken the car with me in it. He told the white man to call the police to search out for the Honda. My heart sank more profound than the lost city of Atlantis into the lowest part of my stomach. 

I wanted to cry right then and cuss him out. It was then I knew he had no faith in me or my ability to do things for myself. My codependency that day was conceived. I haven't been behind a wheel of a car since 2016. He never motivated or encouraged me to drive, nor did he show any interest in moving. He would say that I bought the car for you and it's always been for you. 

He would go on to whimper about how he had wanted me to move and how I had pride issues. He claimed that my pride issues came from not wanting to drive the car because it "wasn't nice enough." I never had pride issues, and the car had a broken driver's seat belt, a cracked windshield, and he poured no love into getting neither issue fix. 

I'll admit that I had self-esteem issues and no true motivation from my spouse to drive. He was always behind the wheel and left me walking to my jobs many days. I started to resent him and his freedom throughout the years. He never answered me or no one. He just would grab his car keys and go. Where he would go, I wouldn't know. All I know is that he would get as far away from me as possible and even his own children as time progressed throughout our marriage. 

It's been 10 years of no vacations. 10'years of no family car trip to another state. I had never been in a hotel until I left him. I never placed been on a plane. I never put my feet in the sand. I never lived. I survived to help him pay bills and keep a roof over our heads. I've been enduring for these past 8 years of our marriage. 

I have chosen to start living unapologetically without my crippling codependency on him. I am determined to learn how to drive again and use my license. I will get a vehicle for me and my children to get around in. If you want to know how to start moving closer towards a better life. You first must have faith within yourself even if you are scared. Your blessings ahead of you will exceed your current expectations.

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