Choosing Me Is No Longer The Hard Part

in , , , by Linda B Hurd, January 07, 2022

Healing from the trauma, my eight-year marriage caused me left me some nights of tear-stained pillows. I cried at 12am New Year Day as I heard fireworks go off from my hotel room. Eli and Alina were asleep in bed as I stood with the window slightly opened, holding onto one of the cream beige curtains. I made it to 2022 without him physically with or around me. Him being my husband. After spending damn near 9 years of welcoming in the New Year with him, 

Photo by Alonso Reyes on Unsplash

I never knew how it truly felt to be alone, even with the comfort of having my kids nearby me. I paced around my hotel room with one of my hands covering my mouth in tears. I felt joy because I knew that I dealt with suicidal thoughts in October of 2021 before having the strength to physically leave him. I was thankful to be here.

I no longer fault myself for loving so na├»vely and blindly. On New Year's Eve, I went out and purchased my first bill phone. A bill phone is something that I always wanted but never had in my life until now. I can clearly recall actually begging my husband as if I was a little girl for an upgraded iPhone. He used to tell me no because the phone bill would be too expensive for him to pay and that I didn't need it. 

My phone battery had to give out for him to make the sound decision to purchase me a new phone. As time progressed, I watched him go from broke to not going without. He had hundreds of dollars in his pocket stacked in a wad. Meanwhile, as his dream and HVAC company took off, I was stagnant, broke, and at home with our children. 

I knew what it felt like to have no other choice but beg him for money to place on my debit card because I had no more money. Then I started to feel as if he would purposely keep his debit card in the negatives to keep me from having any access to spending it on anything, sometimes even the bills. Or maybe it was just his lack of responsibility. It does not matter to me anymore. I went out and made it my intention to get my phone and get more of my own.

2021 was the last year of being solely dependent on a man to do for me and wipe my face with it. Some people would be confused as to why he would fumble our marriage. Well, him fumbling our marriage and me leaving were blessings. You see, I had no car, so he didn't have to give me any gas money, fill my tank, pay my car insurance, or note nothing! I can count on my hands how many times I had my nails done and never had a refill or my toes done at a salon. 

I did my own hair and once every few years had a silk press done at a salon that he occasionally paid for. To just sum it up, I was a low-maintenance and self-sufficient woman. I mentioned all of that to add that I did not shake someone who wanted to see me on my glow-up game. Now that I look back from where I am now, I can say that he took me for granted and never took me seriously and grew too comfortable with me during the time we spent together. 

As you read this, I am in the home of someone else in a whole different city with my two children. All he cares about is knowing where Eli and Alina are at. That's all. Last year, I lived in a bit of fear of him taking our children away from me because I was staying in hotels to keep a roof over their heads. I am still mentally trying to remain as strong as I can for my children. 

Life has humbled me all the way down on my knees from this separation. It feels embarrassing to think about how much I trusted the man I called my husband! I feel betrayed. I feel foolish. There's nothing that I could have done when I look back that could have prepared me to have the wind punched out of my lungs while taking care of Eli and Alina. 

I've been praying to God to purify my heart and mind. I was building so much hate for him. The hatred I was making had me seeing red when I thought about how he had our children and me one step away from homelessness. My children and I are no longer in a hotel. We live in another black family home, not New Orleans or the West Bank.

I feel at times shackled to the pain and the memories his narcissistic ass left me with and our son Eli. Eli still hasn't asked where is his daddy since early November. Eli has grown accustomed to not seeing him and still believes that his daddy is at work in his heart and mind. As a matter of fact, Bruce did choose his business over his family and making money. He hardly ever spent money on his kids and just on bills and groceries that he hardly wanted to come home and enjoy.

The man I once called my homie, lover, friend abandoned his kids to be with another woman, and many of his family members co-signed it, including his mama, with a stamp of approval! As much as I can say that this hurt will make me better, I believe it will. I made a vow to myself to grind and get on my feet. He can play the victim all he wants. I am stepping out victorious because he did not break me, nor did I allow the pain he caused to aid my misery. Being taken in by another black family has been a true blessing for my children and me. I will not take this blessing for granted. 

All I know is that God is working in my favor and turning things around for me this year. I am determined to establish stability to continue to provide for myself and my children. We deserve a place to call our own, and I do not depend on my children's father to place us somewhere he sees fit; it's on me. 2022 let's roll, baby! I'm prepared to go after the life that I desire! 

If you have been mentally, emotionally, and or financially broken by a narcissist, give yourself grace as you continue to heal and move forward with your life. Do not allow the discard stage to hurt you. Continue to go without contacting them unless a child or children are involved and reclaim your life!

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