Month Three of Being Separated

in , , by Linda B Hurd, January 24, 2022

It’s been officially three months since my spouse and I separated. I still congratulate myself for having the strength to leave. I have made it through some of my darkest days during these past three months. 

There have been times that I cried in the shower while my two children were asleep in the hotel bed we shared. There were nights I felt so codependent on my spouse that I would call him just to hear his voice and go into a rage over how I felt so broken. 

I even found myself texting him the first month, texting him just to go off. The efforts that I put into trying to get my point across went vain. He could have cared less, and I was yet again trying to re-enroll in his damn circus. 

I backed away from the clown shit! I turned in my costume and the damn face paint. After losing myself in my marriage and motherhood, I decided to find myself again. Healing for me has included eliminating to evolve. I just had to learn to stop trying to force him to have a relationship with his children.

Communicating works both ways. To effectively co-parent/parallel parent, then healthy communication is vital. I’m no longer questioning what I could have done differently to still be union. I no longer imagine Eli and Alina resenting me for leaving their father one day. I am standing in my power and regaining my independence. 

I was still an adolescent when I was married. I was just one year shy of being out of high school. I found myself in my marriage while busting my ass to work a part-time job to help my spouse pay bills. I forgive my younger self for doing what I did in survival mode. I remember being homeless and sleeping out of my children’s father’s car in a retail strip parking lot. 

I remember being scared for my life while living out of a motel with him after his mother put us both out. I still vividly recall the fist pounds outside the motel room door we shared while working. 

A prostitute outside my door was pleading with me to open the door because someone was after her. I was scared for my life. She tried to slide a small pack of what looked like cocaine underneath my door, and I anxiously pushed it back while keeping my back up against the door. 

I never told him what I went through while he was at work at the motel. I never told him what I heard through the paper-thin walls. All the moans over the sound of the televisions were playing. The cussing from couples or prostitutes, or the drug-dealing I would see from peeping from the windows at odd times. 

I been through so much and kept a tight lip about it. I fought a man off me who knew that I used to walk about two miles to work on my way home one afternoon from my job working at the gas station. The man damn near ripped my shirt off me to get me in his back seat. I was young and naïve, but I damn sure knew that the man I was married to wasn’t going to do not a damn thing about it. 

Throughout the entire marriage, I was in survival mode. I no longer want my children to see me being torn down emotionally by life. I don’t mind my children seeing me cry. I just want my children also to experience me being genuinely happy as they should. I have learned during this third month that there comes no guilt in moving forward for the better.

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  1. I genuinely admire you for being such a strong woman and mother. I know what you're going through because I lived that same situation 10years ago. I was hopeful that I was going to make it through with my daughter and I did with the support of counseling and therapy. The one advice that I received from a domestic violence advocate that I want to share with you today is that "breathe he is not in your control anymore whatever he says to you should not be your importance as you are free now, be the bigger person dedicate yourself to your child and take care of yourself. Those words have been with me and once I heard those words I took it in and although it may get pretty difficult just know God's strength is with you. God will lead the way to a better place where you'll start a new beginning with your children. I applaud you for having that strength in you. May God bless you and your children always.

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your truth with me and for being so encouraging! Your transparancy is everything and I am so grateful to be able to share my journey. God's grace is amazing.

  2. Keep your eyes to the sky because the world that is only temporary.