No Love Lost Just My Focus Regained

July is month eight post-separation from my spouse. This month has started with me choosing to be alone. I had started dating early this year while still trying to heal mentally and emotionally through my separation. Co-parenting has been a strain at times with my children's father. 

Photo by Huyen Pham on Unsplash

I choose not to let that bother me on a deep level. Plus, it has been almost six months since I started dating someone prematurely. (I should not have fallen hard as I did for the guy. But I'm back in my proper sense of thinking.) I kept feeling as if I was being problematic and asking for transparent vulnerability from the person unwilling to be vulnerable with me no matter how much I tried. Do I blame him? Nope. I respect how he felt and subtracted myself.

Long story short, I threw in the towel with the relationship. After evaluating myself wholeheartedly, I knew I was not truly ready to be in a committed relationship so soon, even while I was going through a divorce. I loved another man who I was not equally yoked. On top of that, I no longer wanted my daughter, who's not even old enough to understand what's going on, to see me constantly crying or upset while I was around this man. A man who I fell in love with sincerely that I believe is not the best match for me. 

It was short-lived, spicy, and with plenty of lessons learned while it lasted. I know now that I deserve to stick with myself this year. I started finding myself wanting to give a little more to expect a bit more, and that's where I started tripping. My approach to the relationship was tainted, and so was my view on what I thought we had. 

My expectations were high for this guy. I felt too much about what I was doing wrong and not enough about why I was even putting myself through emotionally rough times with someone who wasn't as empathic as I viewed them. I am not ready to love again. I am not prepared to experience even a taste of burnt sediment-filled love. 

I do not want to feel inadequate because of how a man views me daily. I do not want my children to witness me ever again crying from heartbreak. Month 8 from my soon-to-be ex-husband has proven that I can damn sure do all bad by my damn self. I do not need anyone to cosign on me, choosing to move forward with my heart, mind, and joy. I refuse to waste time questioning my worth in a man's eyes. 

I refuse to lay in another man's bed and give my body away almost so freely that it leaves me feeling so hollow after sex has ended. This year I am readjusting my focus back on my kids and me and making it through this divorce without stripping myself of the peace of mind I fought to gain. 

I have been making progress with seeing spurts of light at the end of the tunnel of this journey. I will do whatever it takes to stay on track and regain my independence. Going back to school, driving, obtaining a vehicle, a job, and a place to stay are all on my to-do list. The best part of having goals is knowing I have the right mindset to approach them. Overall, I am optimistic about what's to come and appreciative of the lessons I have learned to get here. It's been no love lost. I have a better value of self-worth and love gained.