I don't know who this divorce has turned me into. I hardly recognized her, but I love her.

It’s been 11 months since I have now been separated from my husband of 8 years. I have been mentally and emotionally tortured every month by him. There have been nights I just laid in bed and cried myself to sleep to wake up the next morning with swollen eyes. Did you know that you can feel weak but mentally be strong?

My spirit is still one of a warrior. I’ve been mentally torn down and abused but still find the strength to get up to run the race of life. What silent battle have you been fighting this year? I want to encourage you to not feel defeated your victory is coming. Maybe you can’t feel it right now, but I am going to reassure you that it is. Backing down is not an option. I won’t allow you to give up. Take my hand and let’s overcome our storms in life without self-doubt tugging us both back.

For the past 11 months, I have just been concerned about the expiration date of receiving my divorce. A divorce was the one thing I once feared for years and upon getting married. Now divorce is the one thing that will set me free and not just legally, but emotionally.

In the month of September, I learned that I don’t have to ever try to get even with anyone who did me wrong, wrote me off, or belittled me.

The best thing for me to do is move forward as if it never happened and stop entertaining the circus just because it is brought to my front door. Let’s go into this new season feeling lighter and more reassured of my potential.

Outside of them I have had many lessons learned. Month 11 of this separation has taught me that I can not allow my emotions to overpower my mind and my actions.

Speaking my truth and getting it out on paper has been therapeutic for me. I have acted out quite a few times from feeling triggered and have foolishly allowed things and situations brought to me to disturb my peace.

Every disturbance in your life is not always a storm.

When you are busy manifesting and praying for something that you yearn for sometimes the answer will be no. Every no isn’t a rejection it is a redirection towards what is better for you. A door that’s meant for you to open you won’t have to beat on the door or try to pick the lock. 

My therapist told me during one of our weekly sessions that she can see my resilience shine more each weekly session. I smiled when she told me that. I have felt powerless for a long time. I went from last year feeling unheard and unnoticed in my marriage as a wife and mother to this year rediscovering myself outside of divorce and motherhood.

I am currently mastering the art of being alone. I have been journaling and taking time to reevaluate people and situations in my life that caused any disruption during my transition to single womanhood with this divorce. I have been taking the remainder of this year out to focus on what makes me happy, what brings me joy and taking time to heal through it all. 

There’s no right now for me to find comfort in the arms of another man to help speed the healing process. I tried that and failed at it.

There’s no time to be asking a man to become emotionally available, to be patient with me as I continue to heal, nor to love me the way that I want to be loved. I am keeping to myself on purpose. I know what I deserve and what I am worth. Placing a time stamp on my healing while going through this divorce is not realistic, however, I will not dwell on what has happened and what is out of my control.

As I approach this year of being separated from my soon-to-be ex-husband I am eager to close this chapter of my life with gratitude and grace. I have chosen to not waddle in past pain and get out and live for myself. For everyone served the purpose they needed to serve in the lesson that was taught and there is no turning back or second chances of accepting what’s already beneath me. Hello, October of 2022 I am ready for you to be good to me as I will be to myself.

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