They say to take a deep breath in and then out to feel relief. I did this several times in the past before it points where you realize that arguing with someone who refuses to show up mentally, emotionally, or physically is not communication. It is chaos. It is disappointing. I spent months.
Hell, maybe even the past 3 years trying to reason with someone who was more committed to defending his ego than showing up for his kids. I used to think that if I explained things clearly in text messages, if I kept my tone calm, or if I just tried a little harder, he would get it.
I gotta laugh about this now, because you cannot reason with a person who benefits from misunderstanding you.
I reached a breaking point when I realized I was arguing with a man who was not doing his part. He was not paying child support consistently. He was not checking in on his kids. He did not show up at school events, birthdays, or doctor appointments. What was also so baffling was how he always had the energy to argue in a text message because he refused to call.
I had to stop asking myself why he would not do more and start
asking why I kept stepping down to his level.
It upper cut me one day in the chin; that every
time I let him drag me into an argument, I was giving away my peace, my energy,
and my power. He was not the one feeling pissed in the end; I was. He was not rereading
the conversation or second-guessing his worth; I was. I was doing all the
emotional labor while he did nothing but stir the pot. You see that is when I
decided: I am not doing it anymore.
I no longer argue with a man who does not show
up. I no longer try to convince him to be a father or a decent co-parent. I
have learned that silence is sometimes the most powerful boundary you can set
for yourself. When you stop engaging, you learn to then stop feeding the
dysfunction. I do not send a text message anymore. I do not explain my
decisions. I do not ask him to do any damn thing. I just handle what needs to
be done for my kids and for my peace.
Blocking his number became my reality. Communication is non-existent. He can download a text free app to plead his case only when it involves our children’s well-being. There are emotional check-ins. No long conversations about “what went wrong.”
There is no giving him access to my peace of mind. I protect my energy like it is rent these days. Peace is expensive. I refuse to go broke trying to prove a point.
At first, it was hard. When you have spent so
much time arguing, silence feels uncomfortable. I used to think of myself not
reaching out to ask if he was coming pick up our kids for the court appointed
weekends were being passive. But now I see it as being powerful. It is not
about letting him “win.” It is about realizing that the only thing to win is
peace, and I already have it.
My kids deserve a mother who is calm, grounded,
and emotionally available. My kids do not need a mom who is constantly
frustrated and drained by someone who does not contribute. I realized that my
peace sets the tone for my household. When I stopped letting arguments consume
me, my children started seeing a lighter version of me. My kids started to have
a mom who was not nervous, anxious or upset because here comes their dad with
his inconsistent bullshit.
Letting go of the need to argue also taught me
self-control. I no longer let his inconsistency trigger me. I have accepted
that I cannot teach accountability to someone who refuses to learn it. I also
cannot make a man be what he never intended to be. However, I can make sure my
children never feel unloved, unseen, or unsupported because of his absence. I fill
every gap he leaves and that is not out of obligation, but out of love.
The truth is, when you stop arguing, you start
healing. You stop replying to non-sense text messages or phone calls and start
focusing on what matters. You stop explaining your boundaries and start
living by them. You stop begging for decency and start demanding peace. You see
my silence became my closure, and my growth became my response.
Since he is blocked and I told him to take me to
court I do not have to bother with someone who was not listening. I am not that
woman he gets to mistreat and play with her time anymore. I choose my peace
over pettiness!
To any woman reading this who is exhausted from arguing with a man who does not show up: stop.
Stop explaining. Stop proving. Stop chasing accountability that was never yours to hold.
Protect your energy wholeheartedly.
Redirect that effort you may have placed into him back into yourself, your
kids, your healing, your happiness. Let him watch from a distance as you thrive
in silence. I promise you peace is the loudest statement you will ever make.
When the hate he has for himself outweighs the
love he has for his kids, that is when a change comes. When you truly stop
caring about the response, the apology, or the recognition, that is when you’ve
won. My peace does not need an audience, it deserves consistency. Consistency is
what I am giving myself and my kids from here on out.
Therefore, I don’t argue anymore. I do not
plead. I do not explain. I simply rise. Provide. Thrive. That, right there, is
what real strength looks like.
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