Hey, Sha. Let's sit back and talk, 'cause there's somethin' I just gotta share with ya’, somethin' that’s changed my whole peace of mind. I wanted to touch on how I do not argue anymore. Now, do not be thinkin' I am under someone’s control or a cat got my tongue or anything. Lord knows I still have plenty to say. I am not a weak or scared chick, bless your heart. Nah, the truth is, that it took me some time, but I have learned a valuable lesson about what arguing really is. It is for folks who still think if they just explain it one more time, they will somehow be understood.
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Let me tell you, I am not worn out in any way from tryin' to be understood. Now, I am tryin' to be aligned. See, I used to make a true effort to be heard while in love with your better half meant being a broken record. I am talkin’ about overly explaining my whole self over and over. I thought, 'Maybe if I say it softer this time around, or maybe louder, or with less attitude in my tone, or just with a little more grace, they will finally get it.' But my baby, you cannot, no matter how hard you try, explain yourself into being valued by someone. Once that sunk in, I became mentally exhausted, pure and simple.
I became exhausted from conversations that felt like I was on trial at the courthouse. Exhausted of defendin' my tone of voice. Exhausted of havin' to explain why basic respect is not optional. That respect is a given. Isn’t it? Lord, I was so mentally exhausted from being called "too much" when all I was asking' for was some steady consistency.
So now? I do not argue. I just watch. I observe it as if I am sittin' on the porch and watchin' the storm clouds cascaded sky and bringing a breeze of cool comfort with the air. When I see somethin' that just doesn't sit right in my spirit, that just feels off? I do not fuss. I do not hoot and holler, I just replace it. Energy feelin' off? Replace. Effort lacking along with the communication games? Replace. Excuses taking the place of accountability? Replace. My peace is disturbed? Sha, I replace.
Oh, I am not talking ‘bout replacin' with another man, either. Bless his heart, he would be as confused as ever. I replace with silence. With distance. With discipline in my life. With a better, higher standard. I move this way 'cause I am worth it. That is the part that always catches 'em by surprise. They are sittin' there waitin' for the big reaction. They are expectin' all that drama and emotion. They think they still got easy access to you. But when a woman who used to go ten rounds in an argument goes quiet? That is not weakness, my love. That's a door being slammed and bolted.
I used to think that real chaos meant being able to have emotional empathy. If it was not loud and dramatic and full of tears, well, it must not be the real deal, right? However, peace feels somethin' else entirely. If you have been addicted to all that adrenaline, peace can feel hella boring. It feels strange when you are even used to living in survival mode. However, peace does not kiss ass. Peace does not chase after nobody. Peace sure do not argue from any disagreement that may arise.
Peace sits right there. It is steady as a rock, and says, "You either going to come correct or not come at all." I have finally decided I like that kind of love a whole heap better. The kind that does not require you to put on a performance. The kind that does not need you to prove your own worth. The kind that does not feel like you are on a damn stage in a dark auditorium auditioning' for a role you already were qualified for the whole time.
So my reader, I am wrapping this post up saying that I am not hard to love. I finally stopped goin' back and forth with people who were overall committed to misunderstanding me. In this chapter, I do not argue. I replace. If that makes me a little "different" than I used to be? Well, good. 'Cause different women get different, and much better, results.
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