Honey, let me tell you, April wasn’t here to play with me, not a damn bit. It hit me with the kind of pressure and force that will make you move differently whether you are ready or not. Look, I did not pop up on my blog much last month.
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However, that damn sure does not mean nothing was not going down. That means I was out here living, for real, tryna keep my head above water. I was holdin’ it together, and hell, not lose my damn mind in the middle of all this mess. April taught me, that nobody coming to save my ass. I had to stop waiting for help that ain’t never showing up how I need it. Between dealing with the man I kids with, the last-minute curveballs, bickering with my kids, working, paying these damn bills, and still trying to have a lil peace at the crib, I got goldfish bowl clear. I am talkin’ real quick! It is just me, dawg. Always been me. But instead of letting that shit break me, something in me flipped. I started moving differently, like somebody who knows she got her own back even when it is hard as hell.
Let me tell you something else, peace
is damn sure not something folks hand you. It is a damn choice. Peace is a choice
to make when folks act messy as hell, rude, or trying to drag you by your
collar first out of character. April had my emotions all over the place. The
month could have had me spiraling, explaining myself, or getting in some
back-and-forth bullshit to prove a point. However, I am not perfect. I didn’t
get it right every time. But I started choosing different. I started stepping
back. Started realizing not every text needs a clapback, not every situation
needs my energy, and hell, not everybody deserves to be up in my space.
Protecting my peace started looking like shutting up, staying away, and holding
it down. With me saying all of this I can vouch that is a different kinda
strength. I’m still learning to stand in and up in peace; you hear me?
But the biggest thing in April that
I was smacked behind my head with is that you can be out here minding your own
damn business, handling what you gotta do, building your life quietly… and
folks still gon’ watch, question, and try to figure your shit out. Whether people
question how I am keeping it together solo. The moves I’m making. Or people
wondering and asking how I am pushing through all the bullshit; alone with no
tribe. I feel the eyes, trust. But instead of letting that mess get to me, make
me feel all pressured or defensive, I’m learning to let it make me focus up. I
do not owe anybody an explanation for how I survive. It is none of these folks’
business, how I get down, or how I show up in my life. This is not about
proving nothing to anybody. It’s about getting shit done, staying solid, and
building a life that speaks for itself, point blank that’s it.
April wasn’t easy. April was damn,
necessary. It pushed me to grow up in the spots where I was still holding on to
some comfort. The parts of me where I was still wishing for different results
from the same folks. April had me still figuring out how to stand ten toes down
on my own. If I am keeping it real, I am walking into May a little bit
stronger, a little bit quieter, and a way more focused.
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