Over the past year, I have grown to become out of touch with almost everyone in my immediate family. I was raise by my mother who is a very shallow and one of the most introverted people that I have ever known. My mother is very superstitious and small minded. She raised her three children to be a sheer image of her in many ways.

Now that I am 25 and is the oldest of my mother's children I have a family of my own. I have grown to have an independent way of thinking and be free-spirited. When I left my home months after graduating high school I made a promise to myself to never go back to living there.

I have kept my promise and my distance from my immediate family for almost six years. My auntie claimed that I ran away at 19 years old to be with some man in New Orleans, who was going to leave me stranded and pregnant. That was never the case and my mama allowed me to leave from home willingly. I wanted better and parting ways with my younger sister and brother was tough, but I had to live my life for me.

I always felt like my sister resents me for leaving home and not being able to make it to her high school graduation. I felt like she also disowned me because I wasn't around to see her accomplish a few of her goals. Could I fault her for feeling the way she possibly did? Hell, no because I cannot relive the past and nor would I take anything or any action back. I do not live my life or feel like changing the past would benefit me or our relationship today.

I haven't spoken over the phone with my mother or lil brother since our auntie kicked him out of her trailer a month ago. He took a mega bus to Texas the next morning from Baton Rouge and been residing in Houston ever since. I haven't spoken to my mama since he left because she allowed my lil sister talk her into not needing a cell phone. I just cannot understand why and there's a part of me that does not want to.

There have been times I wish that my mother wasn't so anti-social and closed off. Maybe she and I would be so much closer today. Finding out the truth from her is like jumping into a mental pool of needles. I can't swim physically, however mentally I would swim through the deepest depths of waters for those I love without any hesitation. These days I’m learning to live without a strong connection to my immediate family.

I have tried repeatedly to reach out and my efforts go unnoticed. All I can do is remain positive and pray for them. Time heals everything right? I guess, time will place a band-aid on this open wound. I always felt like even after graduating high school that I was not enough for my own family. I used to be upset with my growth, the money that I was making, and my overall life.

Giving back is all I ever wanted to do. I wanted to help my family financially since they were still struggling to make ends meet. I couldn’t be a help and I felt financially weak. I measured my time spent trying to work a 9 to 5 while pursuing my dreams. Dreams that I was always shun not to chase or to believe in. I was hard on myself years ago and I had to learn to give myself the love that I shielded myself from accepting. I still go the extra mile to hustle and brand myself either way. 

It’s still difficult to think about the way I use to mentally beat up myself. God’s still working and moving through my life. My story is not over. I am destined to never lose my inner strength to keep my faith in God and my dreams attainable. My life is like an unfinished muse that I am not in control of. No matter how much I may plan my life in my Happy Planner I am still not in control. Neither can I allow my goals accomplish or money be the reason why my family will support and motivate me to keep going. It’s all in God’s hands and not in mine’s even when I’m pressing an ink pen to a blank page of paper. I'ma be okay.

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