My Nightmare Had A Message

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This past Saturday night I woke up from having a nightmare at 4:30 am. My heart was beating rapidly. I was in tears and grief. I could not believe that I had a dream that my momma had died. My dream took place in my hometown of Napoloeonville, Louisiana. I was back at my childhood home sitting on the porch yelling at people with tears racing down my face. There were a few strangers, my husband was playing and son, my younger sister, and brother, auntie in the front yard.

My sister and I were yelling at each other while our younger brother was trying his best to diffuse our argument. My husband was trying to tell me to calm down cause fighting my sister wasn’t going to bring our momma back. I was livid. I felt responsible for her passing. I felt regret in my heart from her not having a relationship with her grandson. I wanted to rewind time and correct any of my mistakes.

The dream was a nightmare in so many ways. Who wants to receive news that their mother is dead? I was upset that my family didn’t even try to contact me and tell me that she was in the hospital! Everything that took place in the dream felt realistic. In real life, my immediate family doesn’t even have a thing to do with me or my little family. I haven’t spoken to my mother since my younger brother moved to Texas after being kick out of our auntie trailer. It’s been since March that I heard my mother’s voice and since September of 2017 that I have seen her.

I haven’t spoken to my younger sister since April of 2017 and have no contacting her since she blocked me on Instagram and Facebook. I still wonder from time to time what did I ever do to her for her to treat me so maliciously. All I did was stop calling and texting her phone for just 4 days and then all forms of communication between me and her ceased. I never would do anything to hurt her. For her to just assume whatever she did and block me on social media and on her phone was absurd!

I know deep in my heart that I did not do anything wrong. I just decided to give her mental space and give her a chance to contact me sometimes, because I was always the one reaching out to her and our family. I would have loved for her to have an opportunity to be in my son’s life. If you let my auntie tell it, she would be quick to jump to the conclusion that I did something wrong to my sister and I’m not woman enough to admit it or apologize. When that could never be the case.

I cannot reach out and talk to my momma without calling either my sister’s phone or my auntie. My sister changed her number and phone and my auntie has some type of personal grumble with me. A grumble that has been brewing within her for over 7 years now. My momma knows her sister hates me. She will never admit it since now she lives with her.

My momma is out of touch with reality. She doesn’t have or wants a cell phone. I believe that she finds having a phone intimating since she can’t read or write. I just do not feel comfortable with calling to speak to her in private over someone’s phone. It just is not right. Plus, I’m going to be on speaker and whoever phone I call with be ear hustling the entire conversation. I miss being in my momma’s presence. I want her to have multiple of opportunities to be with her grandson. I don’t want to rob her of any more precious moments.

If I don’t go back to my hometown my sister or auntie would never bring my momma to visit me. They hold me accountable for everything. Neither one of them wants my momma to have a relationship with me, my husband, or our son. The shit sickens me! The shit just is not right! 

They both have cars to take them from point a to b, but don’t want to drive to visit me! I cry some days about this shit! I shouldn’t be accountable for how they feel about me! They should drive the distance to see my son! He’s worth it more than me!

I grind so hard to help my husband provide a life for our son that I never experienced. I’m placing my fears aside and handling my business. My people do not support a damn thing that I do. They don’t congratulate me and would never wish me well. I want to put my momma in a nice house. I want for her and my Uncle Louis to have a comfortable place to lay their head. I don’t just keep my distance to be mean. I do not keep my distance because I think I am better than my family. They cause me so much hurt that I embrace it. They do not understand my hustle or my dreams.

I just want to have a relationship with my immediate family that has been strain for so many years. I’m tired of the ball being in my damn court! Why they don’t they try to put in the work too? Why is it so easy for them to fault me for my distance when they aren’t trying to put in any work? My momma doesn’t drive, and they know this. I just want things to be different. I do not want to live with this pain in my heart. I do not want to have any animosity within our family. However, some things one person alone just cannot change.

I just want to tell my momma that I love her and hear her say it back. I do not want for my nightmare to be my reality at all. I took my nightmare as a message. 

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