I Am Scared But I Am Still Trusting God

in , , by Linda B Hurd, December 26, 2021

As you read this, I am still in a hotel room in Baton Rouge. It's almost 10pm. Both Eli and Alina have been resting peacefully for about two hours. I have watched a Netflix movie, showered, and practiced some self-care. Today was a smooth day. I remained inside with the kids all day and have plans on getting out and about tomorrow. 

It's just a little challenging to navigate Baton Rouge without my own vehicle, especially with two kids under five. Many people want to know more about my plans, and I just feel uncomfortable opening up too much. There are still many things that I want to keep secret for sound reasoning.

As I journey into the New Year, I do not know what to expect. It'sIt's almost one month away from me becoming 29 years old. These last few weeks of being 28 won't go in vain, even though this has been one hell of a year for the books. I am practically homeless with two kids. I desire more for my children and myself!

I often find time to look out at the parking lot of my hotel and take quick glances at people who are residents. It may seem weird, but when you are a people watcher, you pick up on people's body language and how they carry themselves after seeing them more than once. I went downstairs earlier this morning as my children were asleep to get fresh towels. 

A woman in the lobby at the front desk was trying to move rooms from overhearing the conversation. She was having out loud with the two women at the front desk. She turned around and looked at me in a doll-like way and said, "I saw you the other morning with your kids. I remember those days."

I just smiled and nervously shifted my weight on my opposite foot while still holding onto a translucent trash bag filled with the used towels from my room. The lady smiled, took in my entire presence, and asked me if I was okay. I told her I was fine and followed up by telling her that, ""My babies were probably waking up looking around for me."" Once I said that, one of the women at the front desk asked me for my towel bag. I walked up and gave it to her, and she then told me that they didn't have any more towels until housekeeping got in later. I gave her my room number and proceeded to head back to the elevator. The lady who was switching rooms told me to never lose my smile. I smiled and told her, " "thank you," as I tapped one of the triangles to get the elevator to come down to the first floor. 

As I rode the elevator up to my room. I thought about the lady telling me to never lose my smile, and she was right. Despite everything I am going through, I don't be an asshole to people. I did not and will not allow myself to be a walking nasty, spiteful heifer. When you choose to rise above your circumstances mentally, spiritually, and emotionally, that's when you physically can rise about it with your head up high. When I say that I am scared, I am not by any means I not saying that I am doubtful of my potential. I just do not want to fail. It is hard, name someone that does want to fail.

My children count on me to come through for them even though their father is not helping me provide a stable roof over their heads. By the end of January, I don't know where my children and I will be. I know that I will never call crying and begging the man I had vows with to help place a roof over me and his children's heads. The last time I did that, he sat over the phone and demanded that I give him our children so I could suffer alone throughout my living situation when I returned to my hometown. 

I held Eli and Alina on the cot we slept on and cried. I made a promise to myself that I would do whatever it took to keep our children with a roof over their heads. If I weren't in this hotel right now, I would possibly be in a homeless shelter in Houma, Louisiana, with my children because that was the next place for us to go. 

My spouse's anger against me has given me more strength to protect our children. I know that we will make it through this, and I am determined to not give up because I am scared. I have a warrior's spirit and a hustler's mindset. I will be stepping into 2022 with fierceness and eagerness to get it by any means necessary!

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