This summer, I made a decision that saved me. I am talking about intentionally saved me in a quiet, refreshing way that no one sometimes feels comfortable enough to talk about. I chose to go outside.
 |
| Pexels |
Not to be seen.
Not for a man.
Not for a photo op.
But for me
Nights Saved Me, Not Days
I could swear to you right now that there’s people that love to tell single moms to “get yourself some rest” or “get out the house,” but what they don’t understand is… I wasn’t looking for a daytime break. I needed a nighttime escape. I’m talking about something that felt like freedom after 8 PM when the kids were fed, bathed, and in their beds asleep.
I was not hard up behind running to the Dollar General or Dollar Tree. I did not want to walk through the grocery store aisles to feel like I was out. I was emotionally and mentally drained. Plus, trying to find a sitter to go out to sit across from a man that was probably not interested in a commitment, but just relations for a date was not getting my money.
I Stopped Waiting on People Who Never Showed Up
I used to wait to see if my kids’ dad would communicate whether he was coming for the weekend. I asked that guy for at least a 48-hour notice since we had court appointed rotating weekends. But that guy wanted and still wants to punish me for divorcing him and wants for motherhood to be a life sentence of misery to serve on my own. His kind of inconsistency will mess with the kids’ energy much more than people realize. Every rotating, Friday felt like I was holding my breath till Saturday morning for disappointment.
When I had the chance to finally exhale, it was because he was not coming. Yet again.
So, this summer, I stopped waiting. I stopped hoping someone else would give me permission to breathe freely or enjoy myself on my own terms. I gave myself a chance to get out because I deserved to and not because I was invited outside.
The Apartment Started Feel Confined
You may or may not know that not having a car can make you feel so trapped, and it’s even more confining with kids and responsibilities. Majority of my days were filled with errands, doctor’s appointments, and maintenance for the kids. Sh*t, and that was it. I was not connected to anyone. No tribe. No mom groups. It was me and my two kids and the four walls.
Then I started slowly going underneath a deep depression.
I knew that if I did not change the plot, I would fall into another depressive cycle. I have been there before. I know how quiet depression starts for me at least and it revolves with isolation, routine, resentment, and fatigue.
So, I made a small but bold choice: I started pulling out clothes in advance to wear for would have everything set to step out.
I Created My Own “Nightcap” Routine
Now on some Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturday nights, I have found the energy to book a sitter and leave the apartment. I wasn’t going too far. I was heading somewhere that reminded me that I am still a woman. I am still worthy of enjoying life. I am still that girl even if I felt dimmed by motherhood and my day-to-day routine.
Whether it was grabbing a solo drink, catching a Lyft to a lounge, or just sitting in the quiet hum of night somewhere where no one knew my name I started reclaiming my sense of mysteriousness.
It has been these nights that became my reset button. Hell, not nights to escape my life, but to reconnect with the version of me that had been anchored under obligation and survival mode.
I’m Not “Back Outside,” I’m Back to Myself
This summer has not been about partying or pretending. It was about healing out loud. I have been making a bold statement about remembering that I matter outside of who I show up as for others.
I did not need a tribe to give myself permission. I did not need a man’s text or a co-parent’s confirmation that they were coming get the kids. I needed to see myself again. I was not looking to see myself in just the mirror, but in the world.
If You’re a Mom Who Feels Trapped — This Is Your Sign
You do not have to wait for someone to give you a break. You don’t have to wait until the kids are gone for the weekend. You don’t have to wait for the perfect outfit or event to come to your area. Sometimes freedom starts with making chess moves to secure your plans to be outside for only an hour or a few one night.
Add your comment