August Broke Me, But It Also Taught Me

August broke me in ways I could not prepare for. Imagine losing your job on the same day of your daughter’s fourth birthday. This month knocked the wind out of me, and it was intentional. The blows came along with the fear of how I’ll hold everything together for my kids. 

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On top of that, co-parenting has been a blur. It’s like pissing in the wind if you want detail. Their daddy decided he doesn’t even want to take advantage of his court-appointed weekends anymore. Look, at this point, I don’t even give a freak. I’ve grown numb to shooting a reminder text for the weekend he supposed to come. I’ve grown numb to the silence. Hell, I’m numb to wait on somebody else to show up for these two kids the way I do every damn day.

But as heavy as it’s been, August still had a way of teaching me things I didn’t want to learn but needed to. I learned that boundaries are meant to remain in place. I learned that it’s okay to say, “Look, I am going through some tough things in life right now and I can’t comfort you, love.” 

I had to tell someone, “No, I don’t want you to come over to my apartment. I have been doing too much this month alone and under stress to keep this roof over me and my kids’ heads.” My apartment became even more sacred to me during this month.

I also found myself smiling throughout a lot of my weariest nights. Once I had both kids off to school without meltdowns, going through all my can goods and budgeting groceries a little further than I thought I could, or keeping myself awake long enough to finish assignments for class, I found time to smile and decompress. Every start to my day and throughout it reminded me that even on the hardest days, I’m still showing up, even when no one else is.

Oh, and on those nights when the apartment was finally quiet, I let myself decompress and rest. I am not talking about the guilty kind of rest where I’m scrolling on my phone or fighting my sleep for the sake of staying up, but real rest. I embraced sitting in silence, breathing, stretching on my living room floor before bed, and even letting myself not roam in my thoughts at all. I realized that resting doesn’t mean I’m weak. It means that I am a human that is capable of it.

Maybe the hardest part was understanding that growth can sometimes sneak upon you and show you how far you have come. Even though there have been days this month felt like torture. I can look back and see how those moments helped me develop mentally and emotionally. Those hours of depression showed me how I cannot stay in that energy and carry it throughout the entire month. Being numb feels like survival right now. However, that’s just what transformation looks like when you’re in the thick of it.

So here I am, closing out the last few days of August with a mix of exhaustion, gratitude, and a strange kind of strength. This month had me at my lowest at times. This month stripped me down. This month reminded me that no matter what I go through, you don’t have to wish for a partner to help you to pull through. I also learned that no matter what I lose, I’m still standing. September waits for me. I am going to walk with that truth with me. I can cry. I can feel weak. I can feel numb, but I will not give up.