This month… sheesh we are only fifteen days in.

It’s been a solid fifteen days of tears, happiness, and anxiety.
I got laid off. My WFH job that I held down for 2 years is gone.

pexels

With a snap of a finger and a boom-boom kat!
My 9 to 5 was one thing that gave my story line some stability.

The timing upper cut me in my chin and then slid me across the floors of mental anguish like a wet mildewed mop. Of course, it left me in a fetal position even though I was trying to brace for the mental coping mechanisms of being laid off. 

The kids back then went to school. Mornings are filled with pep talks, lunch packing, and making sure school clothes are ironed properly.

Backpacks. Breakfast. Shoes. 

Bus stop run. Make sure they grease up.

I watch them walk away to their bus and I feel proud.
However, there is this tightness in my chest.
Bills. Anxiety. Responsibilities. Schoolwork. Life.
All of it colliding into my mind at once.

Summer class with LSU was a focus point.
Trying to focus on homework while my brain is feeling as if it’s smoking like a bonfire in the brisk winter night.
Some nights I just want to roll myself tightly into a blanket as I sink into my sofa until I disappear.
But I can’t. It’s not possible.
My kids need me. My future self is rooting for me.
I physically need to pull through.

Stress. Uncertainty. Unrelenting.
Heart racing. Head pounding. Chest tight.
And yet… somehow… I keep going.
I endure. I survive. I breathe.
Even when everything is trying to smother me.

Smothering me in the way a home cook southern meal speaks to the soul with gravy. Smothering me in the way…

That is soft but kisses me with playful hits as if it was a pillow fight.

I don’t know what’s next.
I don’t know how this will all work out.
But I do know one thing. I am not giving up.
I am still fighting. Still moving. Still striving.
That must be enough.

To anyone reading this feeling as if they can’t…
You can. You’re still here.
You have what it takes. That’s proof enough.

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