May pulled a lot out of me. It made me confront the painful reality that the weight I carry is mine alone. I truly understand that consistency, love, and stability my children need begins and ends with me. As hard as that truth is to accept, it has also reminded me just how strong I have had to become.
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If I am being honest, there were moments this month when I felt overwhelmed. I am talking about being overwhelmed in a way that only a mother carrying it all can understand. There were responsibilities to manage. Bills to pay. Children to raise. Decisions to make. Oh, yeah and goals that still feel far away. I had to come to terms with the fact that co-parenting, for me, does not exist.
As much
as that truth hurts, all my kids have is me to depend on. I am the one giving
them consistency, stability, and the kind of love that shows up every single
day even when I feel overstimulated. There were nights when I wished I had more
support. However, even in that pain, I kept showing up.
May
reminded me that sometimes growth is not found in major milestones. Sometimes
it is found in the impulse decisions we make every day. It is choosing to keep
going when you are dog sh*t tired. It is protecting your peace when drama tries
to pull you back in. It is continuing to believe in yourself when no one is
clapping for you. It is trusting God even when you cannot see how everything is
going to work out.
This
month, I was reminded that not everyone who watches you is rooting for you. Hell,
that is okay. I have learned that I do not need validation from people who have
never contributed to my journey. The older I get, the more I understand the
importance of moving in silence. I know how to protect my energy and to focus
on what matters.
I also
spent time thinking about how far I have come. There was a version of me who
would have dissolved under the weight of the waves from some of the things I
carry today. The woman I am now is not perfect. She is stronger, wiser, and far
more resilient than she used to be. Every challenge I have faced has taught me
something deep about perseverance, patience, and faith.
One thing single motherhood continues to teach me is that strength is not about pretending everything is easy. It is about accepting what is true. It is also about still choosing to move forward with grace. As summer approaches, I have had to face the reality that I may not get any breaks away from my kids unless I pay out of pocket.
I also know I must keep working to maintain the bills for me and
my children on my own. That reality is heavy. However, I do not see myself as a
victim of my circumstances. I refuse to take that weight out on my kids.
Instead, I am choosing to carry this season with honesty, faith, and the
determination to keep building a life that feels safe and stable for them.
As I am preparing to step into June, I am not focused on being perfect. I am focused on being consistent. I am focused on continuing to build the life I desire for myself and my children. Sh*t, even if it means carrying more than I ever expected to. I know they need at least one adult in their lives they can fully depend on. I take that responsibility seriously.
So, I am walking into this new
month committed to protecting my peace. I am growing my faith. I am working
hard. I am also making sure my children continue to feel secure, loved, and
covered no matter what.
May may
not have been a perfect month. I say this while sighing, but it was a month of
growth. It was a month of lessons. It was a month of showing up even when it
was not easy.
For that,
I am grateful.
As I close
out this chapter and prepare for a new month, I leave May with a heart full of
gratitude. I also have renewed sense of hope. Some prayers are still being
answered. Some goals are still being worked toward. Some dreams are still
unfolding. However, I trust that every step forward, no matter how small it may
seem, is leading me exactly where I need to be.
Now, let’s
toast to June with a glass of sparkling juice to new opportunities, and continue
to grow through whatever comes next.
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