Summer has started, and I am not even about to pretend like I am walking into it all soft, rested, and carefree. I am tired. I am triggered. I am anxious. But I am still trying to make something good out of it because what else am I supposed to do? Just stop living? No.

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Baby, let me tell you something I had to learn the hard way. I learned that peace will come a whole lot faster when you stop expecting shit from people, who keep showing you they are not about to help you.

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June is not arriving softly for me at all. It is meeting me in the middle of where responsibility, exhaustion, healing, and hard truth lies. I am stepping into this month as a mother. One who rarely gets a physical break. As a black woman carrying the full weight of providing. Oh, yeah and as someone learning how to keep going without pretending any of that is a walk in the park.

Therefore, as I step into June, I am being honest about what this season is asking of me. What I need to carry with intention. Also, what I need to finally leave behind.

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May pulled a lot out of me. It made me confront the painful reality that the weight I carry is mine alone. I truly understand that consistency, love, and stability my children need begins and ends with me. As hard as that truth is to accept, it has also reminded me just how strong I have had to become.

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Let me say this plain, I am not broke in my mind, my spirit, or with my vision. I may be in a season where I must stretch, sacrifice, and move much more carefully. However, that is not the same thing as being stuck in a broke mindset. It means I am rebuilding. 

Down here in Louisiana, I have learned not to waste my breath trying to drag folks where they don’t wanna go. Here are a few things that I have learned in the month of January to carry me along the way for this year in no order.

I did not enter this next season trying to get belts for being one of God’s strongest soldiers. I entered into this season trying to become more protected. After everything I had no choice but to release this year. I had to decide what was worth guarding and what no longer deserved access to me.

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People have been asking me, “Lynn, will you have your kids this Christmas?” According to the rotation, this was supposed to be their dad’s holiday. However, this year, my kids will be with me. I am not giving into the feeling of  the need to explain every detail or defend how it happened. I am choosing to sit with what is and what it will be, which is quiet and we will enjoy the priceless gift of togetherness.

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Lessons have been well learned for me and my emotional ass especially before my cycle came. I have learned this month to stop expecting and having expectations for certain people to show up the way I would have for them. Being a writer, I love character development. I develop traits for people I interact with during the week and month in my mind as I study them. December had a way of slowing me down and not just when it came to fighting for my immune system. This month was forcing me to pay attention to patterns. Patterns that had been ignored for far too long.

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This Halloween season, I have made the sound decision that I am not dressing up. I am laying some versions of myself to rest.

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 Taking the time to look back and realize how much can change in a year can leave you speechless. At least that’s how I feel when you have been walking with God, protecting your peace, and finally choosing you!