Let me go ahead and say it, I am too busy providing to be out here proving a damn thing to anybody. I do not have the time, energy, or patience to be performing for validation. All while I am carrying real life responsibilities every day.
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Baby, let me tell you something I had to learn the hard way. I learned that peace will come a whole lot faster when you stop expecting shit from people, who keep showing you they are not about to help you.
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Sometimes life can feel as if it is throwing punches at you. The bills keep coming. You can hardly get outside to enjoy yourself. The responsibilities keep stacking up. Oh, then something unexpected happens on top of it all.
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June is not arriving softly for me at all. It is meeting me in the middle of where responsibility, exhaustion, healing, and hard truth lies. I am stepping into this month as a mother. One who rarely gets a physical break. As a black woman carrying the full weight of providing. Oh, yeah and as someone learning how to keep going without pretending any of that is a walk in the park.
Therefore, as I step into June, I am being honest
about what this season is asking of me. What I need to carry with intention.
Also, what I need to finally leave behind.
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Sometimes single motherhood can feel overstimulating and heavy. You are trying to work, pay bills, raise your kids, make all the decisions! You carry so much emotionally. Honestly, it can feel as if you are doing it all by yourself.
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May pulled a lot out of me. It made me confront the painful reality that the weight I carry is mine alone. I truly understand that consistency, love, and stability my children need begins and ends with me. As hard as that truth is to accept, it has also reminded me just how strong I have had to become.
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There’s a particular kind of whiplash that can come with entering your 30s. It is looking around at your actual life then quickly realizing it does not quite match the highlight reel you may have started building in your head or Pinterest saves in your early 20’s.
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For all the praise women get for being strong, nobody talks openly about what that strength quietly costs. Folk’s love calling women “independent,” as if it is always some badge of honor, but baby, they do not say much about how lonely it can feel. I am talking about when you have become so used to carrying yourself that softness starts to feel like a luxury.
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Ovulation in my 30s is intense. See, I can be minding my business, on my phone sending audio messages, and the next minute I am craving chocolate, eggs with fish sauce, emotional intimacy, and somebody’s grown and sexy son all at the same time.
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Let me say this plain, I am not broke in my mind, my spirit, or with my vision. I may be in a season where I must stretch, sacrifice, and move much more carefully. However, that is not the same thing as being stuck in a broke mindset. It means I am rebuilding.
Listen… come over here and chill with me for a minute. I’m also not talking about the “oh, it looks like it’s about to rain outside, don’t it?” you say in passing at the store. I mean the real kind. The kind where you exhale first is as if you have been holding your breath so long you forgot what air felt like.
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Let me tell you, ‘Sha! There comes a moment that rolls in harder than a Louisiana summer thunderstorm. Also, it does not tiptoe in. What does it do? It storms through the front door. You look at your world. Your babies. Your fustrations.
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Hey there, can I just be honest for a little bit? Doing everything by yourself; handling business, keeping the house running, making sure the kids are all right well, it will change you in ways you do not even notice at first.
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Honey, let me tell you, April wasn’t here to play with me, not a damn bit. It hit me with the kind of pressure and force that will make you move differently whether you are ready or not. Look, I did not pop up on my blog much last month.
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I got an email that started with… ‘I secretly got on birth control… am I wrong?
This email made my eyes water, because I know too many women living this exact life in silence.
“Hey Linda, you can share this publicly if you want because I know I’m not the only woman going through this. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years. We have 4 kids together and live in a small two bedroom apartment. We have been here for some years now and I want better for us.
I recently experienced a moment in my life that felt bigger than the title that came with it. Being named TA of the Year was one of those moments for me. Not because of the award itself, but because of everything it represents.
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Hey, Sha! Can we just take a second to woo-sa? This month has been an absolute whirlwind. Plus, if I’m being honest, I’ve been living "under the ringer" lately. But you know what? I have realized I do a lot of my work best when the pressure is on.
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You might miss her at first glance. A dependable woman is not flashy. She is unforgettable. She is the quiet force in the background. She is never shouting for attention or applause, although her actions speak volumes. She does not need to broadcast her every move in life.
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Shaking this heaviness of the season away has not been easy. I am not looking to come off in a dramatic way. Plus, I am not carrying this statement in a “everything is falling apart” kind of way. I am serving this in that quiet yet constant way. The way in which you are carrying a lot, thinking about a lot, and still expected to show up like everything is fine. The truth is, I have been overwhelmed.
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I asked him for help. I genuinely asked with good intentions. Not for everything. Not for anything crazy at all; just something. Life be lifing. I am raising two elementary school aged kids, working, showing up, handling everything like most mothers do. So I asked… and he said no.
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